Thursday, December 31, 2009

top ten songs of 2009

Here's my list of the TOP TEN SONGS OF 2009. you most likely will not agree, but this is my opinion and what has touched my life this year...

number one : Coming Alive - Heaven and Earth - Phil Wickham
         this song became my anthem. "Open your heart, take what's inside and let it go." I have to do that everyday.
number two : I'll Always Love You - Heaven and Earth - Phil Wickham
        this song reaches deep within me and pours out how I long for God and how I love him into beautiful poetry. I admire Phil Wickham and I am thankful he gives his talent back to God and lets him use it. thats beautiful.
number three: Ignorance - Brand New Eyes - Paramore
         this song is so much fun to sing! Hayley Williams challenges my vocal style. the line, "I'm just a person, but YOU CAN'T TAKE IT" my sentiments exactly. thank you Paramore!
number four: Brick By Boring Brick - Brand New Eyes - Paramore
         I love the imagery in this song. Paramore does a nice job of portraying a lost person and how sometimes we can skew our own reality to be what we want it to be rather than accepting the truth.
number five: Come Again - Joshua Bell: At home with friends - Joshua Bell feat. Sting
      the first time I heard this song, it blew me away! I love Sting, I grew up listening to his music, but this just captured my heart! below is a link for the correct vocals, but I couldn't find the Joshua Bell version :(
number six: Exogenesis: Symphony Part 1 - The Resistance - Muse
       I simply love this band. I love their lyrics, and their music. The vocals blow me away every time. this is part one of three, all three tracks are great, but this is my favorite.
number seven: Haven't Met You Yet - Crazy Love - Michael Buble
        I adore Michael Buble. I grew up on Frank Sinatra, so this kid is just great! Usually people don't like similar artists, but I appreciate his talent and I love this video. check it out :)
number eight: Cinema Paradiso - Joshua Bell: At home with friends - Joshua Bell feat. Josh Groban
       everything is better with Josh Groban. I love his voice. This song is very beautiful. enjoy :)
number nine: MK Ultra - The Resistance - Muse
        love the music of this track. I don't know how to explain it, but its truly one of my absolute favorite muse creations.
number ten: The Only Exception: Brand New Eyes - Paramore
        an acoustic track that I love. It has inspired me a lot when writing my latest fan fiction :)

well I hope you enjoy these. I know I have and will for many years to come :)

happy new year


The Adventure Called Life Day 095...reflections...

Happy last day of 2009 everyone :)

part of me is really excited to see what this year will bring, and the other is sad to see yet another year pass me by. I will admit to living constantly in the future, what will happen next. Goodness, I'm even doing it now. I'm getting ready for the day after working out, eating breakfast, shower and now I'm siting here talking to you, and It all I can think about is getting to Brighton for some shopping and relaxing at the bookstore. I'm always focused on the future, even if it is just a couple of hours ahead.

help me to live in the present. reveal to me what you have for me in the moments where I am idle, and I find myself pining for something to do. thank you.
in Jesus' name

so as I reflect back on this past year, I have become more patient, and even more kind. I have been able to harness this unbelievable joy of being saved by grace and I carry it with me everywhere I go, letting it fill the places and people I am with. There's no other way to live in my opinion.

John 13:5 says, "By this all men will know you are my disciples if you love one another."

This has been my anthem this year. I would like it to continue into 2010 and the rest of my life. I believe that in order to be truly united with Christ we must love one another. Its the correct reaction to what Jesus has done on the Cross for us and his conquering of death, Hell and the grave, bridging the gap and becoming our intercessor. LOVE.

 "1If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, 2then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. 3Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. 4Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.
 5Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
 6Who, being in very nature God,
      did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
 7but made himself nothing,
      taking the very nature of a servant,
      being made in human likeness.
 8And being found in appearance as a man,
      he humbled himself
      and became obedient to death—
         even death on a cross!
 9Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
      and gave him the name that is above every name,
 10that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
      in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
 11and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord,
      to the glory of God the Father.
Shining as Stars
 12Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, 13for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose. 14Do everything without complaining or arguing, 15so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe 16as you hold out the word of life."
Philippians 2:1-16a

we memorize this is contemporary worship ensemble class every semester. Having hidden this in my heart, I pray that it is what comes bubbling out of my heart as I speak.

happy new year


Wednesday, December 30, 2009

The Adventure Called Life Day 094...a clean car...

so I've forgotten what its like to have a truly clean car. You know, the wash job that when its dry you can see yourself in it? oh yes :) it did cost $6 plus tip, but it was worth it, totally and completely worth it.

now mom and I are going to head off to the grocery store to get some groceries of course, and other things for the house. I just hope the holiday rush is somewhat over. It is Wal*Mart, so there will still be plenty of people.

I plan on overhauling my fan fiction today. I want to finish editing so then I can continue writing. I hope  j-term will allow this. That reminds me. In one week I'll be back at the arbor :)


Tuesday, December 29, 2009

The Adventure Called Life Day 093...skinny jeans...

so I had this genius idea to go out and look for a pair of skinny jeans...three stores later, I finally found ONE pair. At Old Navy of all by no means skinny, but I wanted the tapered look for wearing flats and zip up boots, just goes with the whole "rock star" persona some people claim I have....LOL :) and the fact that I think being a rock star would be pretty sweet!!

well anyway, shopping trip was a success, and to top it off I got hit on at Starbucks and at Subway. lovely. what makes guys think women like being hit on? Sometimes its nice when someone compliments my hair or eyes, but my butt? now that's just not right...

now I'm curling up in my room, under the covers because its cold, and writing a few chapters for my fan fiction. I have someone to beta it, or lame man's terms, edit it. The story is about Severus Snape and my own charecter, Lumora Olivander. I have always thought that Snape deserved a chance at redemption that Rowling did not give him. That's what Alone No More is about. Hogwarts, here I come...


Monday, December 28, 2009

The Adventure Called Life Day 092...oh the weather outside is frightful...

im living in a snow globe. there is simply no other explanation.

it has snowed the entire day. it is now almost 6pm. The sky has begun to clear. Hallelujah!

anyway. lazy day. *deep breath* sometimes I wish I didn't have these. I really feel rather lathargic. part of me wants to be back at school, working out, going to class, playing a real piano (not my plastic keyboard) serving at Rivertree on sundays, and seeing all my friends. here at home can get lonely.

so instead of wishing I was somewhere else, I have focused on writing, reading, and relaxing. I make myself go outside in the cold everyday, just to get some fresh air and exercise, or I would never sleep. I have also been enjoying coffee, good music (thank you Michael Buble, Joshua Bell, Josh Groban and Phil Wickham you guys make writing such a pleasure) while I attempt to finish my fan fiction. I have also taken on another story to beta read, or in lame man's terms, edit.

so that's pretty much all that's been going on today. not much. just some snow, coffee, and words :) what a wonderful combination!


Sunday, December 27, 2009

The Adventure Called Life Day 091...pray without ceasing...

paul says in 1 Thessalonians 5 to "rejoice always and pray without ceasing,"

what does this look like? Does this mean that everything I say or do is done with an attitude of prayer? That I constantly push my own selfish desires away and surrender to God's will?

yes. oh yes. this is what it means indeed.

so that's my resolve. from this moment forward I will strive to pray continually, always living in an attitude of prayer. Of course it is important to take time to seek solitude and pray, and to pray with others, but this is going to be a hard thing. Prayer is what moves God. We can sing spirtual songs, read the word of God and we are not a threat to the enemy. We become empowered and full of the Spirit when we submit ourselves to God in prayer. Prayer is powerful. I wrote in a journal this summer, Intentional, selfless prayer is what unites a ministry. That is what I am going to present to Mitchell. Yes, we pray before service, that is crucial and so important. But what a blessing, what an opportunity to pray outside of that, coming together during the week as a ministry team! Ah! that is so my prayer, that we would be in prayer together. intentional, selfless prayer, its what moves God. amen.


Saturday, December 26, 2009

The Adventure Called Life Day 090...I'll be home for Christmas...

i woke up today to snow :) as i scrambled out of bed to press my nose to the glass, i felt like i was staring out the window of a house enveloped in a snow globe. the snow swirled around the house because the wind was shifting, and it was snowing rather hard as well.

today I went with the Wright Family to the Wright Family Christmas in Grand Rapids. Because of the snow, Dad drove me to Spencer RD so the Wrights could pick me up on their way. We left the park and ride at 12:30. We were the first family to arrive, of course, and one of the last ones to leave!

I really enjoy this family. They are so joyful, and always happy to see one another. We formed a big circle, and then the Christmas story was read, followed by a recitation of the passage by Boston and Hudson, they were awesome!! Then some Christmas trivia and singing of Carols followed that. Then we heard the stories of how Doug proposed to Kait and how Wayne proposed to Liz. Liz is from Jackson, and went to youth group at Trinity Weslyan so she knows Andy and Genelle! So excited. small world.

well im tired again. I really wish I wasn't I would like to write more. oh well. time for bed :)


Friday, December 25, 2009

The Adventure Called Life Day to the world...

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! here's to celebrating the coming of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ!!

i love Christmas, everything about it, the lights, the snow, the carols, and most importantly the reason and how my family celebrates...

I am very tired, but I just wanted to express how blessed I am. My family is small, but I love them and  I am extremely blessed to have them. We had a wonderful dinner, a great time opening presents and then we sat around and talked, laughed, watched some television together for the next five hours. I loved it.

tomorrow I'm headed with the Wright Family to the Wright Family Christmas. I'm bringing a white elephant gift, as is customary...and I'm giving Gordon a CD as well. Its Phil Wickham's new album, Heaven and Earth.

so that's pretty much it, nothing too profound or exciting. i am blessed.
thanks for another great day and the reminder to take these blessings that you've given me and to use them to bring  you Glory.
In Jesus' name,


Thursday, December 24, 2009

The Adventure Called Life Day 088...o come o come emmanuel...

merry christmas eve :)

so the alarm went up at 9 am, and I haven't stopped since!

well now dinner is eaten, dishes are done, presents are opened and hooked up, dessert is eaten and put away, and my family is just enjoying each others company. this blog is not longer important. excuse me while I go enjoy the blessings God has so graciously given me this season. thank you Lord.


Wednesday, December 23, 2009

The Adventure Called Life Day 087...getting ready...

merry christmas eve eve :)

well, at least its a tradition in my family's house! my little brother (or should I say younger, he is 17) always says this. I recall it all started with the anticipation just building and building, and he just said it one day! My Dad and brother have all these "inside" sayings. For instance, Kmart is "Came a part" and the Detroit Tigers are the "Tigres" since they're mostly latino...just silly stuff like that they come up with. Oh and A.I's little "practice" fiasco a couple of years ago, yep. happens all the time in our house.

anyway, all word play aside. Today was spent on getting the house ready for my relatives to come over Christmas Eve. I swept and mopped all the floors, baked some cookies, cleaned the bathroom again (I did it on monday) and then I got to rest for a little bit before dinner. I'm still writing my fanfiction I started this summer. I didn't have time to write on it during the semester. so now that we're on break. I hope that I can finish it, or at least get some more chapters up. I know my readers are getting antsy, as am I.

well its after ten, and I need to be up early for last minute preparations. so merry christmas eve eve!


Tuesday, December 22, 2009

The Adventure Called Life day 086...early bird gets the worm...

its early. well, its only 9:15, but that's early considering I haven't gotten out of bed before ten since I left campus on thursday!!

and its snowing. my favorite kind. the lightly falling variety that just settles down on the ground. Sometimes blowing snow can be mysterious and awe inspiring, but mostly I just think its bitter and unnecessary!!

mom is at the gym :) for anyone that knows  my mom, this is a grand accomplishment. with all her health issues, going to the gym is a significant achievement! I am so proud that she's being proactive about her health. The projected life span on dialysis is 5 years. This Christmas marks year six. My parents are miracles. plain and simple.

im sitting at Kahuna coffee, enjoying the sights, sounds and smells of a coffee shop. I love places like this. I am sort of disappointed the television is on rather than some music playing, but I fixed that. thank you youtube :) im piecing together a mini christmas eve service for my family. because my family is coming over at 5pm. Grandma and Grandpa are going to a 3pm service at Brightmoor. I would go to that, but I'm sure Mom needs help to prepare dinner.

so im having service :) yay! the worship arts leader in me is jumping for joy! I actually put together a service last fall in a worship class. So i'm going off of that, finding easy guitar tabs (since I just started playing) and i'm writing a mini narrative of the story for my brother and I to act out. this is going to be fun!

well, Mom will be here soon, and I have lots of guitar tabs to search for!

let it snow :)


Monday, December 21, 2009

The Adventure Called Life Day faces...

I'm on Wellspring J again :) well, sort of! Jake Sinkovitz is my Road Manager and electric guitar, Eric is the ARM and the drummer, Marc Anderon is tech, Luke Paul is on bass, Jacob Barricault is on acoustic, Liz Sutton on keys/vocals, Marrisa LeClair is on vocals and then me on vocals as well :) so stoked.

at first I was dissapointed to not be traveling with anyone from last summer. Those people blessed me last summer, and I wanted to travel again with them. God obviously has a different plan. It will be interesting to see how we work together. From who I know already, this is going to be an awesome summer! Marc called me like three times this morning and then left a message, "Hey Teammate" that was it. Priceless. so good!

so, I'll get over it. totally new team. new faces. new places. this is going to be an adventure. that's what I asked for wasn't it?

now its time to get on our knees. pray. so hard, our knees hurt :) that is one thing that we failed to do last summer. we didn't spend time everyday, outside of pre-service prayer, as a team in prayer. we would pray together right before we would play. that was all fine and dandy, but what about a daily devotion? what about prayer partners? something to keep building each other up. Now I'm not saying that Mitch didn't do his job as Chaplain, he did. however, we were all we new at this, and our leadership was new as well. so prayer was one thing that suffered in my opinion. so that's my resolve. to pray for each member of my team daily along with the campers and staff we will be working with this summer. this is such an important thing. I know that God moved this summer, I know that. I just want to be more open, more surrendered myself as i embark on this second chapter :)


The Adventure Called Life day friends...

Sunday, December 20, 2009
today I got to see my best friend, Gordon Wright, for the first time in four months. GLORIOUS. also I hung out with his super cool brothers...Doug and Wayne have both moved out, so we spend time at his house, Wayne's house and Doug's apartment. Kait, his fiance has really been transforming the place. The apartment complex allows them to do whatever they want to the walls, so being the wonderfully talented artist she is, the walls are breath taking. The kitchen has scripture, so does the bathroom. I believe the bedroom does as as well. I would really love to do that someday, have abstract murals rather than picture murals on the walls. If I'm still in touch with the Wrights when I move out, I might have to consult her expertise :)

Gordon is a dear. He really has an amazing heart of gold. He really encourages me, and treats me really well. I just feel as if I have grown up so much in the last couple of months. I don't want to say that dating is ever out of the question, but it does seem feasible or even viable anymore. He's a great friend. that's all. I am beginning to think that maybe best for us at this point.

I am working on falling in love with my savior at the moment. I don't want to have to juggle that with falling in love with a Man. I have a lot of growing up to do still, lots of responsibility to still be realized. I am just so thankful for the relationships I do have. Guys in my life like, Marc, Gordon, Kyle, Mitch, Heath, John, and Bryan that are strong Christian role models are very encouraging. Women like Melanie, Heather, Shana, Ashley, Sarah, Brittney, Kimmee, Rachel, Bridgett, Kattie, Emily, and Liz are also very encouraging. These people are such a blessing in my life. I pray that I can show them, and be that to them as well.


The Adventure Called Life day 083...home is where the heart is...

Saturday, December 19, 2009
happy saturday! so after the good news of wellspring, my friday smoothed over into a lazy saturday :)

cleaned the house, then settled on my bed with a blanket, surrounded by pretty twinkling Christmas lights, I spent the afternoon diving into Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. I love that book. I just love the series, but Order of the Phoenix is probably my favorite next to Half Blood Prince (book 6). Then I took a nap, and went out to dinner with the family.

nothing really happend, except from some well needed rest :)

Friday, December 18, 2009

The Adventure Called Life Day 082...on the road again...


this means eight weeks (roughly seven weeks :) on the road, best summer ever times two, oh! I'm so excited! Now I wait and find out who my teammates are. I would gladly go again with John, Bridgett, Mitch and Bryan. That would be fun. We could have three new team members since Kay, Casey and Phil did not reaudition...

so the preparation begins. from now until the last day at a camp I will be praying for kids, staff, camps, and my teammates. This is super fun. I love prayer, and this kind of prayer is very exciting to me. Petitioning before the throne for other people, rather than myself is so much more rewarding. I love being able to partner in prayer! I also want to pray for those who did not make the three teams. I cannot imagine what it must feel like. There were plenty of "freshies" that tried out, I'm sure that they didn't want to turn them away, its just that us "older folk" have seniority...well I pray that they can enjoy break regardless and find jobs as well for the summer :) God will provide!

I am so thankful to have this opportunity again. Its humbling that the comittee thinks that I can do this. Its really God who does all the work, he moves and speaks, I'm just a tool, a vessel that is filled up and sent out.

Thank you for this wonderful opportunity to serve you, and your people. Lord begin to make divine appointments for the campers, staff and my teammates. Allow us to begin to open our hearts to you and your will, allow us and our desires to diminish as you become bigger in our lives.
in Jesus' name


Thursday, December 17, 2009

The Adventure Called Life Day 081...leaving campus...

today is my last day on campus :(

yes, Im excited to go home, see the family, hang out with my best friend, but it seems that I am also sad. Im sad to leave my roommates, my friends here on campus, and classes. Yes, I will miss being in class, learning, and interacting with the professors. I really enjoy learning. i could be a career student, but I would like to have a worship leading job along with it :)

I am really considering seminary. Now that I only have three semesters left here at SAU, I know that its crunch time. I am working towards getting my piano proficiency done this next semester. If I don't finish, then I can do it next fall, and not worry about it. That's the plan. I am also learning guitar, and I really enjoy it. I should be able to learn the chords that Walbridge told me to over break and J-term. Seeing Melanie write songs almost daily has inspired me that I should at least learn to play. Its just another way I can serve a church that I work at.

well my conducting exam is in less than an hour. I have to finish choir attendance for Livesay. I'll write tomorrow. for now, this is Carolyn Marie officially signing off for Fall Semester 2009.


Wednesday, December 16, 2009

The Adventure Called Life Day 080...finals are here...

so im sitting on the quiet floor of the library, yet again :) studying Spanish. I am a little behind on a couple of lecciones, so I've been watching tutorials to catch up. The final for Spanish really isn't a final at all, its mostly on Chapter 6 contextos, and ser vs estar. I am okay on chapter six, but I do not understand the difference between ser and estar very well at all...

I woke up this morning very cold. It looks like our heat isn't working! not good at all! At least I am only here until 3 tomorrow. Actually, if all goes as planned, I'm leaving the house at 12:45 to go to my conducting exam at 1 then leaving from there :) that would be amazing! That means after my Spanish exam, I study for COM 102, take that exam after Prop Shop Worship tonight, pack and get things ready, go to sleep. Get up at 9, shower, study for conducting, pack my car, go take the exam and then drive home. Somewhere in there I have to clean the bathroom. Maybe I'll do that in between my Spanish exam and Prop Shop set up. We're going caroling tonight. im excited for that. then we're coming together to eat cookies and fellowship. awesome study break :) then I'll go back and take my COM 102 exam. I'll probably go to the quiet floor of the library again. its very conducive to concentration!

well one hour to go before my exam. here's to cramming (well its not cramming, just some final review :)


Tuesday, December 15, 2009

The Adventure Called Life Day 079...the one with the tray of christmas cookies...


today was the annual Steeby House Festivus party. I love it, the friends, music, airing of grievances, and of course the feats of strength and the Festivus pole. Clark, David, Phil and Michael all host the party, this time it was in their lobby as well as in the their room. Its super cute to see Clark and Kattie together. It would be nice to travel the summer with Kattie, she seems super cool. I saw Liz, and of course Bridgett and Pat were there. They're cute too.

So about the tray of cookies, Melanie and I waited until like 8:30ish to walk over there. So cookie tray in hand, we proceeded to walk AROUND the track rather than across because they locked the fence on the other side, I guess preventing people from walking across the grass. LAME. oh well, so after an awkward walk there, we arrived and the party was fun. It was kind of awkward, but what about life isn't! LOL...The hosts aired their grievances, and then the feats of strength commenced. Melanie had to print off some stuff at the library, so I decided to go with instead of staying at the party...

then after the library we went to Midnight Breakfast. I especially love this one, because it is Christmas, and its fun to celebrate it here on campus.

well I need to finish editing a paper and send it in by midnight.


Monday, December 14, 2009

The Adventure Called Life Day 078...chirstmas chapel...

so today when I woke up, I literally was like, "YIPEEEE!" and had to remind myself not to squeal like a little girl, because my roommates were still asleep, it was 7:30. I don't know what's happened to me, I usually am a; bear in the mornings, my wellspring team knows this. But somehow, I managed to feel uber excited upon wake up. yikes!

anyway, we did sound check, then I went to Spanish Class, and Im glad I left a little early, Renee came by and needed a copy of our song for this morning for choir! ah! so glad that i went down there just to check. LOL...

i think a nap (like 20 mins) would be a good way to keep my energy level up.

so after class today (which I had only two today!) I took a trip to Wal*mart and picked up some stuff to make thumbprint cookies. They're delicious little shortbread cookies rolled in walnuts with jam in the middle. simply divine, and my FAVORITE Christmas cookie.

I'll have to take  a picture of them tomorrow when I put jam in the middle of them for the annual Festivus party at Phil, Mike, Clark and David's...going to be super awesome. I think the whole campus might be invited...LOL I think we watch the Seinfeld Festivus Episode. I originally made them for Prop Shop on Wednesday, but I think I'll take a plate over to the boy's anyway, I have FOUR DOZEN :) and I could always make more ;)

well that's about it, im tired and I need sleep, but don't we all!
big day tomorrow, my conducting rehearsal is tomorrow with the Chamber Singers. A little nervous, but I'm getting up at like 9 to practice. I have to be there at 12:20...I CAN DO THIS!!


Sunday, December 13, 2009

The Adventure Called Life Day 077...praying without ceasing...

I am reminded today that I need to pray without ceasing...

also I feel like Mitchell, Hannah and I need to band together and pray for Rivertree, even Scott can join us if he is going to be on the team, which is awesome! I just think being in ministry together that we need to be in prayer together. Is that wrong? Well I don't think so.

so there's an interesting paradox going on in my life. i want to reach out, want to be there for people, and yet it seems that this may be seen as desperate. awesome. so i've been working on this, trying to be more aware of the needs of others rather than forcing myself on their issues.

Britta visited this weekend, and this was a good thing. She is struggling right now so prayers are greatly appreciated.

well I need to get homework done, and I need to just chill.


Saturday, December 12, 2009

The Adventure Called Life Day 076...let it snow...

let it snow, let it snow :)

so excited. I just finished my COM 102 paper. Britta is here. I just took a quiz, got 8 of 10 and didn't even take notes on the chapter...praise the lord.

well im super tired. i hope to blog some more tomorrow, but it looks like that is going to be taken up by choral conducting and piano and spanish...


Friday, December 11, 2009

The Adventure Called Life Day 075...DO. WORK.

So that's my motto for today...DO. WORK.

i am super busy, but I just wanted to announce that


and hanging of the greens is tonight, and im super excited for that as well...

got to get my aria paper done, and also laundry needs to be folded and oh yeah, i have class and a million things to sing for tonight :)


Thursday, December 10, 2009

The Adventure Called Life Day dreaming of a white christmas

(sings) im dreaming...of a white Christmas, just like the ones i used to know. where the tree tops glisten and children listen, to hear, sleigh bells in the snow...

well, while this is true for me, I am reminded that there are plenty of people who do not enjoy Christmas. At first I was naive and thought, "how can that be? Christmas is lovely," And I then was reminded that Christmas is the holiday with the highest rate of suicide. The holiday all about the greatest hope coming to Earth is Christmas, how can this be?

I do not have an answer, but I do know that I am extremely challenged by this fact. What can I do to help? I am a mere college student, with too many assignments, too many relationships, too little sleep and too little time to balance it all.

today I had devotional in choir. my other post today is "objects of desire" read that to read what I read to the choir. I chose to do a dramatic reading. I had two little anecdotes to link to the Christmas season, and i think it worked quite well. God definitely dropped this one right into my heart. I was so excited to share it!
so read it. i was blessed by it, you will be too.


objects of His desire...

Can you hear it? 
shhh. listen. 
can you hear it? 
God’s voice, the still small voice that whispers all around us. Its not always an audible sound, its a peace, a joy that passes all verbalization. saying, “i love you just as you are. please let me in, let me show you who i am. let me show you who you can be.” 

I am an absolute fool. I prayed this summer that God would allow me to see people the way he sees them. I was unprepared for what came next. I began to see beautiful glimpses, snap shots of who the people around me could be. I began to see the potential in people above their present faults and mistakes. 

I also allowed myself to pine and run after someone. I let myself fall for those rare and beautiful glimpses of potential in this man. But I missed it. Even after being shown the indescribable potential in him, I failed to do what God does the best. I failed to really love them for who they are now, not who they will become. 

That’s what God does. He loves us. Oh how he loves us. Beyond our failures, our mistakes, our pain, our selfish desires, He loves us. He knows what we could become if we only grew up a little bit, let this or that go. He loves us. He even likes us despite how dirty and messed up we are. We are his creation, the very objects of his desire.

1 Timothy 2:3-4

Monday afternoon, just before choir, I sat in the conference room on the quiet floor of the library. I could feel God beckoning me to the window. It was rather odd, since from where I was sitting at the table, it didn’t look like anything was out there. I sat on the ledge, ignoring the “do not touch” labels in between the electric candles and gazed out at the empty plaza. Well, at least I thought it was empty.

There in the center, walking towards the clock tower was a person. Then i felt an impression run through my heart. “There’s one,” and I was like, “one what?’ Then another person entered the plaza and passed through, “There’s one, too” and again I was confused. After a couple of more people passed through I heard, “Objects of my desire,” then it hit me like a ton of bricks. God was reminding me that we are all objects of his desire, even those that do not confess him as Lord. This has changed the way I look at the people around me. It is my deepest desire to show them that they are loved by God and that they are objects of his desire, just as they are. 

A good friend reminded me that Christmas has an alarming high rate of suicide. Somehow I had managed to forget that life doesn’t stop at Christmas. I am blessed with an amazing family, so Christmas, in-spite of hospital stays, has been a time of love and joy. Just because its Christmas doesn’t mean that all the hurt and pain and despair just vanishes. People are still hungry, still cold, still hopeless. 

Find a quiet place and listen to God speak. Allow him to reveal to you what his plan is, how he is going about retrieving the objects of his desire in your life. 

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

the art of impression...

why is it that we devote ourselves to someone who is completely oblivious, so NOT INTERESTED they literally scream it at you with every look, every remark, every "joke", its like a slap in the face?

im watching The Holiday, you know, the wonderful holiday movie with Kate Winslett, Jack Black, Cameron Diaz and Jude Law. Both women in the movie are getting away from their lives and start over.

can i do that?

something tells me that in a way, I can. I have the opportunity to at least finish this semester then sweep off to the safe haven of my home for three weeks...I shall return to the Arbor in January, free of the confusion and the pining that has controlled my life thus far.

what is it that makes us believe if we just put on a little more make up, or get our hair just right, that the person will suddenly take notice? what makes us think that if we could just work with them on a certain project, or hang out a little bit more that something magical will happen? Why do we pine for their attention, when all day and all night God is gently whispering, "i love you, i desire you, you are mine, and i am yours, come and rest in me, let me hold you," Ever the gentleman, he isn't shouting it, so its sometimes difficult to hear above the noise in this life. I no longer want to be noticed by men, the right one will eventually take notice, that's not my job to make it happen either. Why would i want to be anything other than who God has created me to be? What gives me the right to expend energy pining for someone's attention when I ignore my Father's voice?

its time my surrender remains. that i don't surrender then turn around, walk back the steps i've come and pick up my burdens and carry them forward. its time to leave them where i left them, and allow you to carry them for me. So again, i surrender. my heart, my voice, my feet, my eyes, my mind, my strength, my soul, my spirit, everything. take it. it is yours, i am giving it back to you. thank you for life. thank you for the breath in my lungs. thank you for this campus and opportunity to have an education. thank you for the beautiful people in my life, and thank you Lord that you sent Jesus to this earth to die and to be raised to life that i might live through Him. thank  you. my heart rejoices for you are my Lord, my Love and my God.
in Jesus' name,

i challenge you to surrender everything daily, surrender is not a one time thing. Its definitely a 12 step program, okay so its more like a "24-7-365" step program, but you get the idea...

that's my prayer...surrendering the art of impression.

The Adventure Called Life Day 073...o come o come emmanuel...

i am doing my best not to look to far ahead and get absorbed with anticipating Christmas...

and then i heard the beautiful Christmas carol "O come, O come Emmanuel"

my favorite carol is "It Came Upon a Midnight Clear" but lately I have been blown away by the lyrics of "O come, O come Emmanuel" its a carol of anticipation, but it also addresses the assurance we are provided in Christ's coming. Jesus' birth is one of God's many promises and provisions for the nation of Israel and ultimately the whole world. 

I picture the carol as a cry of desperate hope. The lyrics say, "O come, O come, Emmanuel to free your captive Israel...that mourns in lonely exile hear, until the son of God appear, Rejoice! Rejoice! Oh Israel to you shall come Emmanuel." The first part is a cry of desperation, but the second is a command to rejoice and trust in the promise that the messiah is coming. This carol reminds me of God's provision and his unending love. 

Lately I have been praying that God show me what it means to truly love him, what it truly means to know him. I have asked him to reveal himself, and his promises have been what I have been able to grab unto. Now in this Advent season, this carol has grabbed a hold of me. So in a way, this carol has been an answer to prayer, and it itself is a prayer. Very ironic, but very God nonetheless. 

above is a link to Enya's version of the traditonal carol. its in english first then in latin. its beautiful. enjoy :)


Tuesday, December 8, 2009

The Adventure Called Life Day 072...who am i?

for so long, i've allowed my parent's health crisis define me. i've let it permeate who i am as a person to the point where i really don't know who I am...

i know that their struggles have included me, I know that is part of who i am, but what about the rest of me? what makes me, well me? I recently had a discussion with a great friend. I met him my sophomore year, and he dated one of my best friends. they broke up, so since I was hanging out with her a lot, I didn't hang out with him. that was a big mistake. I feel like I could have been fair to them both, and I just messed up is all. But now God is allowing me to fix that, and we've reconnected. I am truly blessed. Thank you Lord for bringing him back into my life :) we've both been spending time on the quiet floor of the library, feverishly working on assignments as we wind down this last week of classes and get ready for exams next week. I only have two exams. and no exams on friday. that's just simply glorious :)

anyway, so we talked about how I feel like Im missing something when it comes to friendships. Shelby and I were great friends, and I think I've come to realize I took that for granted. I allowed myself to feel safe and to not continue to reach out to those around me. when she graduated, I was back to square one. So now I am forcing myself to reach out. Okay, so its not "forcing" im being a little over dramatic, I'm reaching out, I want to connect with people. I have discovered that the deeper I get to know God, the more I let him control my life, the more I desire deep, meaningful relationships. thanks God. LOL :)

so who am i? that's a good question...

i am a woman of God. a daughter of the King.
i love unconditionally to a fault
i give many chances for someone to know and if they want break my heart
i will always forgive because i have been forgiven
i am fiercely loyal
i am independent to a point i do adore people
i do not need a man, but i do want one :)
my greatest fear is ending up alone for the rest of my life
i am a storyteller
i am a dancer
i am a vocalist

well that's quite enough about me. that's enough of the "i" statements...
I just wanted to take the time and remind myself to not let my circumstances define me. I wanted to remind myself of who i am inside and to challenge myself to let that be the same on the outside. after all my goal is authenticity :)


The Adventure Called Life Day 071...

Monday, December 7th, 2009
talents for Christ chapel was today...and it rocked :)

I think it I enjoyed it so much because I knew and wanted to support the people on stage. I am uber excited for Christmas Chapel on Monday! Shannon, Susanna and I are singing a three part a capella arrangement of What Child Is This? its beautiful.

well today was full...and I really enjoyed Walrath's class today, inspite of the immaturity...LOL. I think it bothers me so much because its an "attention getter" and that just breaks my heart. That someone as competent and talented as he is feels like he needs to do that to feel affirmed...If he would listen to me and those around him that think the world of him, then maybe he wouldn't feel the need for that. I don't know. All I know is that he pushes me away, every chance he gets. Its really annoying and heartbreaking all at the same time. I would like to think im a worth while person, but he seems to think im weird, and just plain "too much". I'm still confused by that idea. A lot of women feel that way, either they're not enough or they're too much.

I want to know who you are, not who I make you out to be. I want to know YOU and not what the world sees you as. Reveal yourself to me, and who I am because you made me in your own image. Thank you for another beautiful day. I pray that everyone gets some rest and that you continue to speak to them and me in the hours and days to come. I love you.
in Jesus' Name


Sunday, December 6, 2009

The Adventure Called Life Day 070...better is one day :)

today at River Tree we talked about Hope. Actually Andy talked about hope and I simply listened...

but today was good. service went without a hitch, but I think I could have helped with some worship words, Mitchell struggles a bit live, just like me. I find it hard to think of something directly on the spot, but i think being open to the spirit leading is important, but its also important to prepare, since we are human after all. I think God can use words that have been "hidden in our heart" more than just popping words into our hearts and out our minds. Its a little more complicated than that.

Sometimes I think that we become lazy, or just say "rely on the Holy Spirit to guide you" to sound spiritually savvy.

Psalm 119L11 says, "I have hidden your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you."

I think that this verse is very important to a worship leader such as I myself. I think knowing Gods word, and actually memorizing it and hiding it away in my heart is very important, for:

"Out of the heart, the mouth speaks," Luke 6:45

that is reason enough for me to hide God's word away in my heart. If I want it to be a tool to use during worship (since that is truly a time when my heart does speak the most) I want things worth speaking bubbling out of my heart.


Saturday, December 5, 2009

The Adventure Called Life Day 069...infuriating immaturity

why is it so difficult for people to be mature? especially men, or should I say BOYS. why are they so immature sometimes, well ALL THE TIME when it comes to certain *cough* boys...

but anyway, I never thought I would get this frustrated or mad at a boy. Gosh! He just pushed it too much this time. ah well. that's enough of that.

anyway, Heath and I decided a trip to Taco Bell would be a great way to end the day and stave off our hunger. Then it was on to Best Buy to find Home Alone on DVD. I have it on VHS, but alas no VHS player in BEST BUY!!

no luck there. so we went to FYE and EUREKA! we found 1 and we're watching 2...


Friday, December 4, 2009

The Adventure Called Life Day 068...let it snow :)

so i saw my first snow of this advent season today! I know its snowed before this, but I haven't SEEN it. This morning, I stepped out the back door of my house and light snow was falling straight to the ground, no wind, just falling. magic, pure magic. I really can't wait to go home and experience the snow just "falling" in the woods, surrounded by silence. The only sound is the snow softly settling into the trees. Its one of my favorite things. The peace is overwhelming. I think this is one of the countless ways that God romances us. I know for me, personally, it is extremely romantic :) so note to self. that would be a perfect way to end a date...LOL

so we are going to be learning some more Christmas Carols in contemporary worship ensemble today. super stoked for that. now that i've caught the spirit, im excited to keep it going and share it. class in five. write more later


so im alone. well not alone, God is here :) but humanly, I'm in the house all alone, on a friday night. now some might see this as pathetic, but after some fretting and grumbling, I realized that this is an opportunity to spend some time with God.

Grandma and Grandpa are coming tomorrow at 10, then I have a bball game at 3 and then a church visit with Heath and Mitch to end the day...good night :)


Thursday, December 3, 2009

The Adventure Called Life Day 067

something tells me today is going to be a long day...

but I will make it. I have a paper to write. its has to be ten pages, and I currently have three...but I will make it. I can do this.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13

*deep breath* even term its time for conducting class, and all I want to do is sleep. ugh.

I am struggling to stay awake. Give me your eyes, help me to see the world as you do. Light the fire inside me, help me to burn with the passion that you have for your creation. Let me not fall asleep to a dying and desperate world. You alone are God, and worthy of all my praise. I love you. Help me to express that in everything I do. Allow me to finish this paper, but not neglect your will as that comes first. Lord give me the strength to get through another day. I love you. You are my everything.
In Jesus Name,


Wednesday, December 2, 2009

The Adventure Called Life Day are a masterpiece...

God spoke again today. it just popped right into my heart.

"I am jealous for you."

holy crap! ah! where did that come from? we sang "How He Loves" and then while the skit was happening, God just spoke. amazing. I don't know how to explain why this happens to me. I really hope I'm not the only one who experiences this :)

ephesians 2:10 says, "For we are God's workmanship, created in Chirst Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."

this verse makes me smile. i think if my soul could smile, it would...the idea that this life, this existence, isn't about me, it has never been and never will be about me is extremely peace giving, and fulfilling. Somehow God has managed to chisel away that "selfish" part of me. The part that says, "I want this or I want that," He has really been chiseling away at me. I'm not saying I don't have selfish desires, I have just noticed they aren't as important anymore. Sure, I fall and give in once and a while...but my main focus is those around me, not myself, if that makes sense :)

that is what I think the word I got today is getting at. God is truly jealous for me. He wants me to be His, and only his. I do not belong to my selfish desires, I do not belong to the worldly ways that have bound me, and I will never "belong to" a man either. If and when I ever get married, it will be a partnership. Sure I will be his wife, but I will be God's daughter first...that is so freeing...thanks lord.

now im sitting in the library on the quiet floor. yippee!! more work to be done :)


Tuesday, December 1, 2009

The Adventure Called Life Day 065

so i have fifteen minutes to recap my day and to express how much God has been goes nothing!

it seems that I have been blinded, not only by my own desires, but the desires of this world. I have been searching for friendship to fulfill this void, this "hole" if you will in my soul. I wanted something deep, something meaningful, on the human level. It seems that eluded me until I began to reconnect with Jonny Carroll. He's deep. Not deep as in, too deep to see the world around you, but instead he's the kind of deep that is able to see the world more clearly because he is down there in the mire with the people. He's fighting just like anyone else to find meaning and purpose in this crazy, broken, weeping, laughing, crying, lovely, beautiful, awful world.

that's how I describe the world. Lots of mixed adjectives, because I think that it can be that way sometimes. For instance today I practiced piano for about an hour, got really good at this song I've been working on, and then went into my lesson and bombed it. It was just great, I mean I worked hard on it, and then I couldn't play it to save my life :) oh well, that isn't the end of the world, but if I let myself focus on it, I know that it would be, it could literally ruin my week...

anyway, I got COM 102 done, and then my spanish homework is actually done before class for once :) also, I got to just relax and work out today as well. such a blessed day. I have a feeling I should enjoy this peace while I can. The next couple days are going to be full of furious paper writing and singing until I faint (I perform in lab on friday! super excited)

so im sitting in the library, wasting time waiting for Jonny to return for his stuff. wish he would hurry up, im dead, not quite sure if i'll make it back to the house without falling asleep on my feet :)

help me to accomplish what you want me to, not just want I want or what I think I have to. Help me to remember how blessed I am. Help me remember peace and quiet in times of noise and chaos....I love you. thank you.
In Jesus' name


Monday, November 30, 2009

a bright future...

today in Music in Ministry, we took a look at the "not so bright" future of Christianity in America. It took all that I had not to stand up and shout, "When are we going to stop limiting God?" Sometimes I feel like we use Europe as an "excuse" like, "we're going to end up like them anyway," and its frightening to me to think that some people don't even realize that we are going to end up that way if we don't GET OUT OF THE WAY and let God move. Last time I checked, God doesn't use unwilling vessels. He doesn't use and work through people who are absorbed in their problems and not their savior. The statistics about "Christians" who didn't have Christ as the center of their faith made me angry. I wasn't angry at our class, I was angry at the apathy, at the blatant disregard for sound doctrine and the foundation of our faith, the very thing that makes us CHRISTIAN!

okay, trying to calm down a little bit...tonight I had the blessing of running into Jonny Carroll at the library with Marc Anderson. Marc had some other stuff to do, but Jonny was like, "Hey, I'm going to take a worship break and you guys are welcome to join me," I was like, "Sa WEET!" and so that's what we did, grabbed a warmer jacket from Ormston and then headed to my house. poor kid, had to walk back to campus afterwards. I didn't realize he left his stuff in the library :( sad day! I actually might walk there myself in a few minutes to print some stuff for class tomorrow...but anyway, we talked about seminary. I have been contemplating seminary. He said something I just completely agree with. He says he feels like leaders shouldn't be preaching if they don't know the original greek and hebrew. I completely agree. I also think that as a worship leader this is vital to being an effective minister! So, maybe GRTS is in my future? don't know as of yet. Lots of renewed prayer, and just talking more with Jonny and the like will be a good step in the right direction...

anyway. im super tired and would love to finish this rant later. here's a song that I think is appropriate for this little temper tantrum:

The Adventure Called Life Day 064


this is the day when I go grocery shopping, and attempt to plan a menu that never comes to fruition because I am always busy busy busy, go go go!!

well now shopping is done and I can get down to business. I have to write my rehearsal strategy for conducting tonight, and I'm helping Melanie with a video. That should be fun...well class is coming up and I have tons to do and prepare for. hopefully I can start my "Psalm a Day" project soon. I will start tonight If I get the chance :)


Sunday, November 29, 2009

your love has torn me apart...

here are some lyrics that have been bouncing around in my head...

your love has torn me apart
ripped away guilt
snatched my faith in myself
shattered my dreams
stolen my pride
cut away my calloused heart
your love has torn me apart

your love's renewed me O Lord
dreams are made new
heart is made whole
selfless faith remains
joy has overcome 
I sing forever how
your love never fails

just a little ditty i've been throwing around...tell me what you think :)


The Adventure Called Life Day 063

happy happy sunday! love these mornings, getting up early feeling like a total bear, and getting a ride with Mitchell to church. We both share a "love" for mornings...LOL :)

well it seems that i do have a little courage. i waited until we were back in spring arbor to tell him the "word" i had received. I shed a few tears because I was so upset and trying not to screw it up with the way I was telling him. I told him "There is something better" and I have no idea what it means for him. I hope he figures it out and it doesn't confuse him more than he might already be about me. well I do feel at peace finally about this word, I'll never forget it, but I can let it sink into my subconscious mind and allow myself some peace over it. Since I have, after all, figured out why I was given it for myself. I do wonder what it means for Mitchell, but I know that is not my business, its just between him and God.

today we sang "how he loves" by Jesus Culture and I attempted to play keys. We had lots of sound troubles today for some reason. Rather than being frustrated with the sound guy, I genuinely felt bad for him. I am too, after all, an amateur at this as well. How can I expect perfection from someone who is learning and experiencing just like I am? Exactly. so I just pray that we get things working right as we have learned something from having troubles. that is the way life works, you fail, learn from the mistakes and try again :) its beautiful...I had a conversation with Genelle about David Crowder Band and that they cover How He Loves, and that they have an awesome song (see previous post) that is my theme song right now off their new record, "Church Music."

well I am just an idiot. I don't try to fight with Mitchell, but I do. Its mostly because I say something, he doesn't hear me and I don't want to repeat it because I'm afraid of blurting out "I like you." Its really an interesting paradox. Andy says waiting is best, and I completely agree. It will happen if its supposed to happen, enough said.

Heather is really struggling right now. and I am beginning to think I am a guy. its awful. When presented with a problem, men attempt to fix it. Apparently I do the same thing. FAIL. I just pray that she remains open and dependent upon God. Like I have been saying lately, true beauty and peace is found in weakness, not strength. So God is going to move and be glorified in this time of struggle and trial. that is my prayer.


something better...

so it happened again. a word, a "phrase" from God popped into my heart.

"there's something better,"

driving tonight to return our pop can collection and purchase some pretty twinkling christmas lights, my thoughts drifted to last sunday. MItchell was singing the song, "I'll Pour My Love On You." and the band remained in their seats. I found myself listening, just soaking in the words that Mitchell was singing. then the phrase, "There's something better," popped into my heart. This has happened before. I have received words from God to give to other people, the most recent has been two words to Britta. I'm not even sure if she knew that they were words that I had received.

so tonight I came to the realization that GOD is the "something better" than what I've been doing with my time, energy and my heart. I've been pushing myself in all sorts of directions, letting myself get torn here and there, not allowing God to be my rock. So the "something better" just happens to be putting my energy and love into God himself. how beautiful and refreshing is that. Its incredibly hard to love something so big, and yet its the most beautiful, awful, joyful, peaceful feeling in my entire existence. No one ever told me that love felt easy. Sometimes it rips you apart, and sometimes it puts you back together. This time its putting me back together while stripping away the unneeded stress and energy in my life.

anyway. So the word isn't just for me. Its for someone else as well. I've prayed about it, and meditated on it, waiting for the peace to come about this other person, and NOTHING. so tomorrow I'm going to tell him. That's it, that's what I have to do. I don't know why or how, but "There is something better" for them as well.

well its 1 am, and I have to be up at 7:30 for church. YAY :) i love going to River Tree. so cool. such a blessing! see you on the flipside


ps...this is my theme song for the week, enjoy :)

Saturday, November 28, 2009

The Adventure Called Life Day 062

so i am back at the arbor! YAY! 

I tripped on our pop can collection on my way back into the house and I got this grand idea....


super cool.

so its a, pop cans, Wal*Mart, and some Christmas Lights! super super excited! let's go!!


Friday, November 27, 2009

The Adventure Called Life Day 061

did anyone brave the crazy shoppers? I didn't :) I stayed home. ALL DAY. and it was glorious.

I think I know why some of my guy friends are a little aprehensive around me. I have been told that its weird that i like men. I like sports, I tolerate beer and belching, I would rather watch a game a football than a chick flick, and I love the racetrack. And I like the creatures that go with this atmosphere. I like men. Is that weird? Usually women dislike things about men, they dislike their sweaty, gritty habits and pastimes. I usually don't mind them. Women seem to "tolerate" the men in their lives. I would rather hang out with them, then a bunch of women anyday. sometimes I wonder about myself. I know others do to :) I admire their strength, their ability to lead, and their ablility to have fun. Women are catty, and have fun by doing make up and taking pictures. While I enjoy make up and taking pictures, I also enjoy hanging with the guys. Maybe that's why they don't see me as a dateable, I am one of them...


Thursday, November 26, 2009

The Adventure Called Life Day 060


I love this holiday, and its not just because I love pumpkin pie :) I love spending the day with my family, the football game is on, but some how we manage 8 hours together in one room without anything else be each other and the "game" on the tube and manage not to yell at each other or get upset and just enjoy each other's company. I am truly blessed. I know that it helps we are a small family, there are only 8 total. My grandparents, my aunt and uncle, my parents and my brother and me. That's it. I love it. Being together is probably the best thing, and that is why I love the holiday season so much. We like to get together outside of the holiday season, but it brings the focus more on family during this time and I have a very blessed, happy and humorous bunch of relatives. They are beautiful.

I think I managed not to over eat this year, which in itself is a blessing, and I think I might have even managed to encourage my relatives with the stories about how River Tree is reaching outside of ourselves to the community of Jackson. I also think that I just have the best family ever. I love you guys!


The Adventure Called Life Day 059

Wednesday, November 25
today i planned on writing my paper for Walrath's class. yeah right. didn't happen. I didn't get up until like 10 anyway. Then I dilly dallied around the house until lunch time. Then Kevin and I went to the store to pick up the ingredients for green bean casserole. after we got home, mom took him to his doctor's appointment and my uncle Bryan called.

he had his knee replaced last week on wednesday. He needed to get out of the house and get some things done. So it was around 2 o'clock and I hadn't gotten started on my paper, so I dropped that and cruised out to Brighton. He filled my gas tank, such a blessing, and then even got me a peppermint mocha at a local coffee shop in Brighton. I'm super spoiled. I helped him get around, we went to pick up some meds at Vitamin World and then to his office to get the mail and grab a few documents. Then it was on to the transmission shop to pay for the work done on his Jeep. He is on pain meds and can't drive, so I had to drive him around. I was glad to do it, it was a lot of fun. Then Aunt Jan arrived home so we could go up to the shop in one vehicle and drop one of us off to drive his Jeep back to the house. It worked out very nicely.

then I drove home, had dinner with the family and then headed back to their house. I miss them so much, and I thought spending the night would be a great way to spend some more time with them. I love them. and I want them to know how thankful I am for them. so that is also the reason why my blog is being posted today instead of yesterday :)


Tuesday, November 24, 2009

The Adventure Called Life Day 058

so i am at home. YAY :) super super thankful to be at home. I miss the arbor, already, but i'm still thanful to sleep in my own bed, in my own room, and spend time with my parents and my younger brother.

it was annual pie night at Brighton Assembly of God tonight. i love this night, the entire church comes together after the service with all their kids and relatives and we eat pie together with the staff. I love seeing our church come together like this, and celebrate, and be thankful. I met a girl named Sarah tonight. She is in college, i believe she is going to Schoolcraft in Livonia. She's twenty, but barely looks sixteen! She claimes people do that to her all the time, and that she'll probably be thankful for it when she's fourty :) anyway, Mom filled me in on the latest "news" of the familes of our church and i had a wonderful piece of pecan pie. so much to be thankful for. We are extremely blessed.

looking around at the people of my home congregation, I couldn't help but see people at River Tree Community. That place has truly stolen my heart. The people are so hungry, so happy to be there learning about God and each other. Its truly a beautiful thing and such an immense blessing in my life. Our band is quite good, and they have a desire to do well that as a worship arts major I couldn't ask for a better attitude. Its one thing to work with musicians who are talented and unmotivated, but its so much better to work with musicians who are growing and that want to work and desire to be the best that they can be. I believe that is all that God asks of us.

so here I am, at home *sigh* such a wonderful feeling. Thank you Lord. I am so blessed. tonight my brother let my cat inside around 10 o'clock, my Dad and I were finishing up NCIS: Los Angeles. I waited until the show was over to feed her, and of course she meowed for that entire ten minutes. I said aloud, "How many days have you been alive cat?" and my dad answered

"too many,"

and I laughed until I cried. if you know anything about my father's "relationship" with my cat, its not good at all. she is rather dumb and is an animal, and my Dad really has no patience for that. its really funny. you probably had to be there, but at least when i read this it will make me smile :)

well, i have a paper to write for music in ministry tomorrow. its all about Martin Luther. Should just be a dandy time. time for some sleep.


Monday, November 23, 2009

a turning point...

so i think its time i pay attention to the body God has given me. of course I try to eat right, exercise when i remember, and i dance and worship sign, so I'm aware of my body, I just don't think i'm very intentional about it.

this has been something that has been brewing in the back of my mind. this might sound lame, or stupid, but i think i don't work out because im afraid to be found attractive. as much as i desire that, it scares me. i desperately don't want to make anyone stumble that i've gone to the extreme and im afraid to be attractive. my mother will tell you i'm already attractive, but i don't think so.

anyway, i have begun to workout. everyday i'll spend a half hour on the cross trainer machine working my way up until i can spend an hour on it. My goal is to be able to run through and around campus without feeling like im going to die. I would like to also start lifting weights. I'm not quite sure how to do that. I've been told free weights are better than the machines. but im afraid of dropping them on my toes :) so im working on finding someone that will lift weights with me. I want to get in a good routine about taking care of myself. my father has always stressed how important this is, so I guess i'm taking control of it and finally doing it.

so if you read my blog, and i haven't mentioned working out in awhile, ask me! thanks :)



what is your biggest disappointment?

that was the question asked by music evangelist Ken Medema in Chapel today.

What is your biggest disappointment?

and cue the water works.

yep. I cried. at first I didn't know why, and then all I could think of was MOM. that's it. she's never personally disappointed me. I feel like God has let her down. She is on dialysis, and it will be six years this Christmas.


now I could have come up with a different story, of how most of the friendships I have are shallow and disappointing. How my best friend is in Texas. Or that I've never been on a date or been kissed. Those are big disappointments in a girls life. Relationships sometimes are more important than oxygen. I could also say that Wellspring was a big disappointment, which on one hand it was, but on the other, it was the best thing I have done with my summer EVER.

but all I could think about what how I disappointed my family has been because of my Mom's kidney failure. My Mom was taken off the transplant list in the State of Michigan two years ago. They claimed that she is too old, and too high a risk. She has had her hip replaced, quadruple bypass and they denied her. She is only 47. I just cannot fathom that. How can you tell, a mother of two children, "ooops, sorry you're too old and too much of a risk for us to take. have a nice life."


it was devastating. LIterally now we wait until some infection comes along that is too strong and takes her life. How can a person live when they have no hope of healing???

well, my Mom understands and believes that this is not her home. Earth is only a stop, she says a lot. Heaven is her home, and where she's headed. She may get there sooner than some, or maybe God will be gracious and gift her with some more years...I usually can't contain my sorrow and my pain and my guilt for being healthy at that point. I'm done for. the water works are on and they won't stop for a while. I just want to do something. I want to share my gift of health and life with her as she did when she gave birth to me.

I want to give my mom a kidney.

I have been considering this for a couple of years. I am scared out of my mind at the proposition. First, I don't want to be rejected by the doctors. I don't want them to tell me I'm not good enough, that the match isn't right. I've been told that all my life by everyone in my life. I don't need it here too. so if you're reading this, could you please pray. pray that I have the courage to go through with this, and tell my mom, and then to go to the doctors and actually do this. I'm scared. so scared. Lord give me the courage to do this. I know you will see me through. I love you. amen


The Adventure Called Life Day 057

just another manic monday.

or so I thought. that was before I went to Chapel. Spanish was fine, I managed to pay attention and keep engaged. Plus I got a 95 on my last test! Yipee!! and to think i hardly studied...hehe...

anyway, I want to make this into another post, but I wanted to mention part of it here. Ken Medema, an amazing pianist and composer/singer was our Chapel speaker and music today. I loved it. Well, I loved the first five minutes and the last ten.

Ken asked us to share a story of disappointment. and right on cue the water works started. I literally cried the entire service. all I could think of was MOM. now my mother has never disappointed me. She is my hero, my mentor and my best friend. she is also on dialysis. six years now. The biggest disappointment of my life.

I guess I should be happy to say that's it, that is the biggest disappointment, that my mom has not received a kidney transplant. but sitting there, listening to peoples stories, made me just cry. I could hear God saying, "Carolyn, I love you. Don't cry. I know what I am doing. I AM GOD." It was a comfort, and I needed a chance to "let it go," I've been talking obsessively about the song "coming alive" by Phil Wickham lately, but its sooooo true in my life right now. I am, I am coming alive taking what is in my heart and letting it go.


Sunday, November 22, 2009

open your heart...

take whats inside

i think i listened to this song at least five times in a row this afternoon and it finally hit me.

I have been holding on to "liking" a certain someone, and not taking what is in my heart and letting it go.

so here goes.

take them. take these feelings, these desires. they are yours, not mine anymore. I want you to do away with them, help me to find only fulfillment in you and your perfect, all consuming love. Lord you are so worthy. How can you love me? I am weird, quirky, dirty, unworthy, and yet you LOVE me. you don't just love you me, you love me unconditionally, forever. How can I ever begin to express how much that means to my soul, my very being. Satisfy me as only you can satisfy me. fill me with your Holy Spirit, may it be Christ how lives and no longer I that dwells with in me. Let your desires be my own, help me to do your will in everything i do. I love you, you alone are worthy of all the praise, honor and glory forever and forever.
in Jesus' name,

*sigh* so that's it. I'm going to rest in his promise to never leave or fail me. I'm resting in his love. waiting for his direction, whatever that might be.

we sang a beautiful song today at River Tree. here's the youtube link, and the lyrics:

i don't know how
to say exactly how i feel
and i can't begin to tell you
what your love has meant
i'm lost for words

is there a way
to show the passion in my heart
can i express how truly great
i think you are
my dearest friend

Lord this is my desire
to pour my love on you

like oil upon your feet
like wine for you to drink
like water from my heart
i'll pour my love on you

if praise is like perfume
i'll lavish mine on you
till every drop is gone
i'll pour my love on you

I just thought this song was so beautiful. I'm glad mitchell picked it to sing today. i personally needed it, but i hope that those in the congregation were able to worship too. we did a little improv as a band, and I stood in the back so the guitarists could share one copy of sheet music :) it was fantastic! God moved, and I pray people were changed and they were able to pour their love on God.

for so long i've been waiting, searching, putting my heart on the line when all I had to do was love God. allow myself to pour my love on him, all of it, the entire thing, every single drop...God! I love you! I just know that you've given me this deep capacity to love, that sometimes I hurt myself. so take my heart, heal it and help me to not give it away so quickly...Lord no words can describe the peace that comes when I surrender. remind me that I am yours and you are mine. that this is true fulfillment. that no man can do this for me. that you can only do this. let me never forget that you are God and I am not. thank you. I love you. amen.


The Adventure Called Life Day 056

so i am not courageous. I'm a chicken, through and through. I think maybe I should talk to the Pastor about this. I feel that the Pastor knows him at more a professional and mature level than I do. I think the Pastor could help me maybe sort out what I'm feeling. Maybe I can just "get over it" and move on. That would be wonderful.

I'm sure that even the Pastor must know. I should email him. Maybe attach the letter I "wrote" to him. I just can't do this anymore. I'm convinced he thinks I'm crazy, batty and completely stupid. I'm sure he thinks I'm too weird to date or even really be friends with. I'm not some "sweet" or "cool" person. He is just that. He actually fits in. I never have.

well we have Thanks and Praise tonight. I hope that everything goes well. We need it to. pray for us. thanks!


finding the words...

how do you tell someone you like them? theoretically its quite simple, you just say, "I like you," but practically that is another story.

im not sure if this is the right time either. i am so afraid of being rejected, i have literally torn myself in two. my heart says, "Go for it!" but my head screams, "no! its going to hurt!"

well love hurts. and love stinks. or so the song says.

so do i take the chance? do i tell him how i feel? do i put our friendship at risk? we work together. we're in the same major, we have classes together...what do i do?

O Lord, give me the words. help me to know what to say and when to say it. help me to speak truthfully. help me to be gracious and compassionate. Lord, do I tell me? help me to know what to do. i need your guidance. you alone are God, I am not. I cannot do this on my own. you are my strength and my rock. if i am rejected I will not fall, because my strength and my assurance comes from you.
in Jesus' name,

so if you can offer your advice, please do. I just don't know what to do. we have break coming up and I would love to tell him before that so if he does reject me i can have a few days to get over it :)


Saturday, November 21, 2009

The Adventure Called Life Day 055

lots and lots of stuff to get done today! and so little time to do it all...well it looks like I'll be missing the Michigan/Ohio State game for Drumline. LAME. I wanted to see if anyone on  campus was watching it, I'm sure there are plenty of people watching it. We have lots of people from Ohio here at SAU, and of course there are plenty of Wolverines on campus :)

let's see...I have COM 102 to finish. Then I have a MUS 306 assignment to start. Oh, and I have conducting to prepare for, piano and guitar to practice as well. I think its a very good thing we are not going on a church visit today :) That means I have lots more time to get things done...Praise the Lord! too bad I won't get to hang out with Mitchell and Heath though. They're great! well, assignments are important. so here's to my education...


Friday, November 20, 2009

The Adventure Called Life Day 054

I need help. I need your guidance. I feel like I'm drowning in all the assignments that I'm miss what you have for me. I feel as if I don't know how to get it all done, and enjoy you and your creation at the same time. Help me to focus, but also take a step back and enjoy the world around me.

Well slow down I homework done today, but I did get my hair cut, dance for Jazz bash, and see New Moon with Heather! at least I was productive in some way! LOL..

well it still physically hurts. not being given the chance. I just want the chance to love someone. is that too much to ask for? must be. plus he knows, and if he doesn't he's denying it. its way to obvious. alright. I need sleep. goodnight all.


Thursday, November 19, 2009

The Adventure Called Life Day 053...coming alive...

i see a banner of love
lifted over our heads
its waving in the sky
and its stained in red

from the far away hills
comes a voice in the night
its ringing in our hearts
like a battle cry

now we're coming alive
we're coming alive
open your heart
take whats inside
and let it go

we're speaking out for a change
but words are never enough
we could be the hands and feet of love

now we're coming alive
yeah we're coming alive
open your heart
takes what's inside
and let it go

wake up from your sleeping
there's something to believe in
the only way to love is to give yourself
give yourself

now we're coming alive
we're coming alive
open your heart
take what's inside
and let it go

COMING ALIVE - Phil Wickham - Heaven and Earth

this is a new song from my favorite worship leader, Phil Wickham. I classify him as a worship leader because his concerts are not a show. they are an opportunity to draw closer to God and experience God on a deeper level. He presents the Truth unashamedly. I am thankful for his talent, and that he has chosen to give it back to God to be used to bring Him glory. Its beautiful. Its something I strive for daily. I want everything that I am to be surrendered and given back to God to be used by Him. I long to be completely surrendered, that I no longer worry about my own comfort, my own selfish desired. I am a servant to the King, and I will serve him with everything that I am.

Jake spoke last night about Unity. He also talked about how God loves us JUST AS WE ARE. and that we are exactly who we are supposed to be. There are days where I hate everything about myself. and still God loves me. He claims to be quite fond of us. Even in our faults. Think about it, if we didn't have faults, would we need God? How would he shine through us? If we were perfect, how would God's desire to be in relationship with us be satisfied? Think about it, your relationships with people are not perfect. Often times that is what makes them the most beautiful. I know in my life that my closest relationships are often the messiest and difficult. We know everything about each other, strengths, weaknesses, imperfections, the whole deal. In that, we are able to lift the other up in areas where we are not the strongest, making us stronger together than we are apart. Its a thing of beauty.

so we're coming alive, opening our hearts, taking what's inside and letting it go, because Lord, what you have for us is so much more, so much sweeter, so much bigger than we can ever imagine. Thank you.
in Jesus' name,


we get smaller YOU get bigger...

that was my prayer tonight. That we would become smaller, as God became bigger.

and the moments. oh how I loved the glimpses of glory. of surrender, of grace. Tonight amidst the congregation, I saw God. I saw him manifested in the smiles, in the tears, in the laughter and the cries for help. I saw him in the hands raised in the heads bowed. I saw him moving among the people and it took my breath away.

tonight I found my voice. I found myself confident. Not in my ability, but God ability to be strong in my weakness. That is probably what I need to do in piano. I need to allow God to be strong in my weakness. anyway, I really felt tonight that THIS IS IT. This is what I am BORN to do! I may need more practice, I may need a bit more training, but THIS IS IT. Planning the service, making sure it goes as planned, and leading the team...THIS IS IT. I sort of felt that this summer, but it was more pronounced, more clear tonight.

I praise God for tonight, and that things went relatively smoothly...I'm sort of dreading seeing myself on video we'll just conquer that when it comes...I just hope that tonight made an impact on people and they were able to connect with God and give him praise.


Wednesday, November 18, 2009

The Adventure Called Life Day 052

good morning SAU!

I woke up this morning, not really thankful to be breathing. fortunately morning meditation with God helped immensely. I make it a point to not speak, and not even think about what is coming up that day for the first half hour of my day. I work on LISTENING. this is something I struggle with during normal conversation, much less my conversations with God. So far its been awful. I have to constantly stop myself from jumping ahead to what needs to be done that day. This morning all I could think about is, I have to meet with Jake after Chapel, then there is a Choir rehearsal at 6:30 and Prop Shop worship at 8pm.

anyway. I'm praying for peace this morning. I have lots to do, and of course not a whole lot of time because of classes and preparation for tonight.

well I better pay attention in class, I'm sitting in Spanish. Since I've been sick, I'm quite far behind...wish me luck....


Tuesday, November 17, 2009

operation immersion: in effect

so i've been working on being more social. I feel like I need a twelve step program...

im currently sitting in village E in Heath and Corey's room. Its way fun! We're watching Big Bang Theory, drinking tea and play War Craft, well they're playing War Craft and I'm enjoying reminiscing about how awesome this is! LOL...

some girls may find this "hanging out" to be completely boring, but this is just the ticket. No talk about feelings, no crying over break-ups or worries over boys. If they talk about girls, I just tune it out...and wait, they don't really talk about them. huh. that's interesting.

anyway, they drink tea so its cool :)


The Adventure Called Life Day 051

HELP! I'm drowning! I'm drowning in homework!! AH!

I'll bet that every student on campus is feeling this exact sentiment. We're drowning in a sea of homework and assignments with a serious case of procrastination. Look, I'm procrastinating now. I'm blogging instead of researching for my COM 102 posts...oh joy. Its an online class that is going to literally be the death of me.

tomorrow is the combined rehearsal with the SAFMC sanctuary choir and the SAU concert choir. Its at 6:30 then we have prop shop set up and run through at 8pm. PSW starts at 9:30. pray that everything goes well. also pray that people are able to connect with God and he is able to connect with them. I am so thankful for this time of worship and praise. We get to come together as a community of believers and celebrate Jesus' sacrifice and his love for us. Its really a beautiful thing.

alright, i would write more, but I need to start working on my assignments for tomorrow...


Monday, November 16, 2009

The Adventure Called Life Day 050

happy big 5-0! its day 50 of my little challenge to myself...only 315 days left :)

today Chapel provided an opportunity, an opportunity for me to start over, begin again and be restored. Bridgett Duffey's pastor, Rick spoke today. He brought us the prophecy that is found in Joel 2 and is fulfilled in Acts 2.

He stressed that he wasn't looking for an "experience" he was looking for people to go with God, and come expecting the unexpected. He called for a generation that no longer puts God into our little denominational boxes, and our little experience boxes. He called for people to come and leave expectations behind.
Something has been stirring inside of me regarding this for quite some time. I am simply puzzled by denominational wars and arguments. I was one of those Pentecostals who thought that Pentecostal was the only way to go and that we some how had it all figured out. boy was I wrong. No one has it all figured out. Jesus doesn't even know the hour that HE will return to heaven, how are we supposed to know?

I have always been puzzled at the thought we can somehow determine what God will do, or how he will manifest himself. HE IS GOD. doesn't that blow down all walls we could ever construct, cross cultural, social and economic boundaries. Do we truly believe that He is God? How can we limit the One who has always been. The One who is creator of all things, who loves us so deeply we can't contain it (this is my theory of what joy is) and who made each of us unique with little quirks and differences, coloring the entire world a brilliant shade of multi-dimensional rainbow.

tonight is the final rehearsal for Prop Shop Worship. I am honestly a little disappointed with the effort put forth and the creativity that has been expressed. I have decided to worship sign "Many Gifts One Spirit" because people haven't stepped up with the scripture. well I have lots to do and accomplish before class...


Sunday, November 15, 2009

Heaven and Earth

Phil Wickham's brand new album comes out on Tuesday. I am waiting until Christmas to own it, since my mother claims that I have no need to buy it. That usually means she's already ordered it. thanks mom!

Anyway, I went to the Phil Wickham concert at The District in Lake Orion on friday night. Probably one of the best concerts I've been to. The venue rocked, Mitch and Heath both sat behind the sound board for AUD 174, and just because sound boards rock too :) I sound system is state of the art, Mitch tells me it runs at an easy 110 Decibels without distortion. that's pretty hip.

If it was possible for my admiration to grow of Phil Wickham it has. He is an amazing song writer, vocalist and also has killer stage presence. There are some people that you can't take seriously *cough* the singer before Phil *cough* but Phil is the real deal. He is a very gifted worship leader, he wasn't giving a concert, he was leading worship. That's uber cool in my book. I would rather artists do that than "give concerts".

one song in particular blew me away, its called I'll Always Love You, and its off the new record.
here's the link