what is your biggest disappointment?
that was the question asked by music evangelist Ken Medema in Chapel today.
What is your biggest disappointment?
and cue the water works.
yep. I cried. at first I didn't know why, and then all I could think of was MOM. that's it. she's never personally disappointed me. I feel like God has let her down. She is on dialysis, and it will be six years this Christmas.
now I could have come up with a different story, of how most of the friendships I have are shallow and disappointing. How my best friend is in Texas. Or that I've never been on a date or been kissed. Those are big disappointments in a girls life. Relationships sometimes are more important than oxygen. I could also say that Wellspring was a big disappointment, which on one hand it was, but on the other, it was the best thing I have done with my summer EVER.
but all I could think about what how I disappointed my family has been because of my Mom's kidney failure. My Mom was taken off the transplant list in the State of Michigan two years ago. They claimed that she is too old, and too high a risk. She has had her hip replaced, quadruple bypass and they denied her. She is only 47. I just cannot fathom that. How can you tell, a mother of two children, "ooops, sorry you're too old and too much of a risk for us to take. have a nice life."
it was devastating. LIterally now we wait until some infection comes along that is too strong and takes her life. How can a person live when they have no hope of healing???
well, my Mom understands and believes that this is not her home. Earth is only a stop, she says a lot. Heaven is her home, and where she's headed. She may get there sooner than some, or maybe God will be gracious and gift her with some more years...I usually can't contain my sorrow and my pain and my guilt for being healthy at that point. I'm done for. the water works are on and they won't stop for a while. I just want to do something. I want to share my gift of health and life with her as she did when she gave birth to me.
I want to give my mom a kidney.
I have been considering this for a couple of years. I am scared out of my mind at the proposition. First, I don't want to be rejected by the doctors. I don't want them to tell me I'm not good enough, that the match isn't right. I've been told that all my life by everyone in my life. I don't need it here too. so if you're reading this, could you please pray. pray that I have the courage to go through with this, and tell my mom, and then to go to the doctors and actually do this. I'm scared. so scared. Lord give me the courage to do this. I know you will see me through. I love you. amen