Sunday, February 28, 2010

The Adventure Called Life Day 153...stories...

Today at River Tree Community Church, Rik Hilborn gave his testimony. I was so encouraged by it. He grew up in foster care, and was adopted by his foster parents. Then he found Jesus. Jesus didn't fix everything, but his personal relationship with Him offered hope, understanding and healing. Then he said something truly profound me to personally. 

you can argue theology, or doctrine, but you can't argue with someone's story. so true.

so why have I been trying to deny my own story. My parent's illness is just a piece of that story. why shouldn't it define me in some ways? Is that wrong. I don't think so. By having two parents that are seriously ill, i have been changed and shaped by that. and I have also found God in that. there should be no shame in that.


Saturday, February 27, 2010

The Adventure Called Life Day 152...all consuming fire...

all consuming fire
you're our hearts desire
living flame of love
come baptize us
come baptize us

all consuming fire
you're our hearts desire
living flame of love
come baptize us
come baptize us

open our eyes to your light. open us to your love. you alone can satisfy our souls. help us to let go, help us not become blind to your ways and your voice. we love you. in Jesus' name, AMEN.

tonight i could sense myself giving up my desire to no longer be single to God. I truly believe he is now holding my WHOLE heart, not just the parts im willing to give up. I guess I never thought my heart was in "pieces" but I guess its that way for me. anyway, God is so faithful. so good. HOLY HOLY HOLY is the Lord God Almighty. In him alone can I find rest and peace.


Friday, February 26, 2010

The Adventure Called Life Day 151...oh! the weather outside is frightful...

i adore snow. i truly love how it glistens in the sunlight, and even under the stars in the moonlight. there is something about a perfectly smooth field of snow nestled in between some pines. i also think it aids my wild imagination...

days like today though bunch me right into group of the average Michigander who is fed up with the ucky white stuff. the wind is very bitter and the snow keeps drifting and drifting, and drifting some more! not to mention its STILL SNOWING. ugh. i need to go to the bank and get some groceries, but with the weather like this, i might have to postpone my trip until tomorrow. hopefully it will stop snowing in a little while. then i can go out :) well on that note, im taking a nap. i have a meeting with Ron in a little bit and class at 4.

oh! the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful, and since we've no place to go,
let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!


Thursday, February 25, 2010

The Adventure Called Life Day 150...chosen...

I am chosen. To think that Christ died and shed his blood for me, so that he might live in me. Ron served communion to the Deeper crew last night, and I have never thought of it this way. Of course I thought of the bread as being Christ's body, but I have never thought of it as a fulfilling of his promise to use us if we surrender to his good and perfect will. Jesus' blood washes us, making us perfectly perfect, and when we accept his body, we are saying to Jesus, live in me, fill me with you and you alone, use me for your purposes and your glory. In some of my classes we have been discussing the body of Christ, and how it is not a metaphor but a reality. I guess I just had a "light bulb" moment last night.

so we are chosen. we are Gods way of proclaiming the Gospel. He desires to use us. us. WOW. he could use more perfect means, but he loves us so much, that he has chosen us to proclaim his hope, his promise, his love and his glory. wow. just wow. Ron said something last night that struck me, we should come undone at that thought. that Christ would use US as his instruments to proclaim the Gospel. wow.

the same power that conquered the grave lives in me lives in me
the same power that rescued the earth lives in me, lives in me


Wednesday, February 24, 2010

The Adventure Called Life Day nemesis...

i often find myself wondering why in the world God has called me to worship ministry. music, theorectically is something is struggle with, yes I can read music, and plunk out my voice parts and some chords on the piano, and yes i know 5 chords on the guitar. But "putting it all together" seems to be my nemesis. 

the piano. my archenemy since i came here to SAU. i stink at piano. i struggle so much with forcing myself to practice. i even overloaded my schedule with extra credits subconsciously so i would have an excuse to not practice. ugh. now i have no class from chapel until 4 on wednesday, and i think i shall go to a practice room after i eat lunch until 1:30 when I will meet Shannon in the lab for chemistry, we have to finish our lab from last night. we have to wait for the crystals we made to dry...anyway, so that's the plan, make a sandwich, eat it, and truck back through the snow to the music building for some needed piano practicum. 

its been long enough that i've let myself become discouraged and that i've settled for anything less than excellence. i am smart, and i can do this. God didn't give me a passion for worship for me to fail my piano proficiency. After all I did get A's in theory and aural harmony...

so here's to a new beginning regarding my piano playing. 

and oh yeah, since i really have no place to go, LET IT SNOW :)


Tuesday, February 23, 2010

The Adventure Called Life Day i am...

take me as i am. here i am, i give my all to you. i long to see your name lifted high and glorified. Let my thoughts and my words glorify your Holy name. Let me worship you in everything i do. I am so thankful for the relationships you have blessed me with. Lord, thank you for SAU and the opportunity to further my education. Here I am. Lord, take me and make me yours and yours alone.
In Jesus' Name,

Isaiah 58:8-11 says

Your light will break forth like the dawn
and your healing with quickly appear
your righteousness will go before you
and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard

you will call and the Lord will answer
you will cry for help and he will say
Here am I

if you do away with the yoke of oppression
with the pointing finger and malicious talk,
if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
and satisfy the needs of the oppressed
your light will rise in the darkness
and your night will become like the noonday

The Lord will guide you always
and satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame
you will be like a well watered garden
like a spring whose waters never fail


Monday, February 22, 2010

The Adventure Called Life Day 147...this is my desire...

This is my desire
this is my return
this is my desire
to be used by you

I know i've done this before, but I'm doing it again. I've somehow managed to grab ahold of a piece of my heart, and I don't want it anymore. its yours. take it. i am returning back to you and you alone. I don't want to depend on anyone but you. I don't need anyone's affirmation or acceptance, you alone satisfy me. I've messed up, I've been selfish. Lord cleanse me, make this right between us. I surrender, completely to you. I love you. Help me to truly do this. Let me not waiver. You are worthy of everything, all that I am is yours.
In Jesus' Name

*sigh* im a little embarrassed that its come to this. one of my best friends Marc said something in his blog the other day that is very wise. im going to copy it.

i've learned this week that sometimes its okay to not be okay.

im not okay.


do you believe in true love?

Would you rather own a luxury yacht or a private jet?

neither. i would like a pontoon boat and a hang glider. if that makes me a redneck, BRING IT!

do you believe in true love?

Sunday, February 21, 2010


im beginning to think im crazy. im beginning to think ive gone quite mad.
i don't have any other way to describe it, except as an intense longing and desire.

it scares me to desire someone that way. it kills me when i can't formulate a grade school sentence around this person. its incredibly awkward and tense. at least it is for me. im sure he just thinks im silly. i thought i was over this! i thought i was past this stupid, stupid, stupid feeling. ugh. grrr. double grrr.

so is it wrong? this intense desire, this longing that is eating away at me? its almost unbearable. i don't even know exactly what i'm longing for. i just know that im being consumed by it. its all i think about. that's not right, i do know that.

can i overcome this? can I somehow be okay alone? can i? *sob* i don't want to be ALONE! GOD! WHY? WHY does ANYONE want me? What is so wrong with me that not even ONE GUY on this campus has the inkling to ask me out...GOD! can you hear me! I am so upset. i am so ugly. Why hasn't anyone ever asked me out on a date? am i ugly? what is it? WHAT IS IT? *sob* I just don't understand. I just don't understand why this is the way it is. What am supposed to learn from this loneliness, when all my heart does is ache for companionship? Lord, come, take over. I can't do this anymore. I can't feel like this anymore. I'm trying to be thankful that I can feel, but I know that you want full reign of my heart. so here it is. take it. keep it safe. i love. i love so much, so deeply, it hurts, and its scary. Will SOMEONE EVER LOVE ME AS DEEPLY AS I LOVE THEM?

<3 cm

The Adventure Called Life Day 146...complicated...

why is it that relationships are so complicated. im glad im over my crush on this particular individual, but it doesn't stop my heart from saying, why not me? what's so wrong with getting to know me? im still not sure if im doing anything to "turn off" people. I am almost sure of it now. What do I do that makes people not want to pursue me? I thought I was a pretty interesting individual. maybe not. im not sure. all i know to do is to keep pursuing Christ.

i suggested a verse today for Mitchell to read, then he had me do it. great. and i managed to fumble and mumble my way through it. just great. i pray that God used it inspite of my awkward reading...

also, what is this desire to be known? Why do I long for this connection deep inside myself? why do I wish to be understood so much? Isn't it enough to tell God these things? what is this desire for another HUMAN being to know me inside and out? *sigh*

For some reason I have this awkward desire to go to Wal*Mart and piece together a binder for my worship music. I'm talking a SUPER size one, like three inches, with alphabetic tabs and clear sleeves and im going to do it. I'll write my paper later. I've got all day to do laundry and homework. im going on a little side trip :)


Saturday, February 20, 2010

The Adventure Called Life Day 145...drumline strike...

so you've heard of an air strike, even a lightning strike, but have you heard of a Drumline Strike? be on the look out. the SAU Drumline is ready to pounce...

so today was our last official game, but i brought up the conference tournament game for the Men's team that is happening on Wednesday.

tonight we saw the movie Valentine's Day. It was okay. It was hilarious in some parts, but others were awkward and almost unnecessary. I didn't agree with some of the themes, but I did at least enjoy it.

After the movie, I can back to help tear down for Awaken 24. Another one in the books! WOW. o.O i'm still astounded at what God is doing on this excited to see where and how we continue to grow.

well tonight is lip sync, so im off to enjoy that.

be on the look out. DRUMLINE STRIKE!


PS im in love with anberlin :)

haven't met you yet...

im beginning to understand why this song makes me sing...

maybe its because its true?

Lord, have i met him yet? are you still working on us? and then working on bringing us together? i'm not sure. but i desire to be patient and continue to seek your face, your beautiful, lovely, shinning face in the meantime. patience, and peace Lord, patience and peace.
In Jesus' name,


The Adventure Called Life Day 144...none but Jesus...

Friday, February 19, 2010
again i arrived back late from campus, and its after midnight before I get this post up :(

there is no one else for me
none but Jesus
crucified to set me free
not i live to bring Him praise

in the chaos in confusion
i know you're sovereign still
in the moment of my weakness
you give me strength to do your will
and when you call i won't delay
this my song for all my days

there is no one else for me
none but Jesus
crucified to set me free
now i live to bring Him praise

Awaken 24 is really awesome. such a blessing. now its time for sleep. I have drumline in the morning...


Thursday, February 18, 2010

The Adventure Called Life Day sweet this is...

i'd give anything for three more hours on a bench with you...

do i really believe this about my savior? if you would have asked me this a couple of weeks ago, i might have answered no. honestly, i was in a "questioning" phase if you will. it was "go or go home" time in my major and my life. I had the choice whether to push forward or to just stay where I was and wallow in my emptiness and loneliness. i thankfully chose to move forward and step out into the unknown.

I can truly say that my life has become so full. so full of peace, and love, and grace, and mercy. I have a deeper relationship with Jesus and I think i am even more satisfied in life than i have been in the past. I have been searching so long for a relationship that fulfills this deep longing in my soul for connection, for love, and to simply be desired.

i've been struggling with the idea of "being desired" for quite some time now. I've questioned my faith, i've doubted if i truly desire to follow Christ. I've doubted that I could in fact, LOVE God. I am so broken, so messed up, how can I love Almighty God?

in a couple of hours, I am going to be giving a very personal devotional. I am actually going to dance for the first time in almost four months. its been tearing me apart. quite literally. so im sharing a short devo, then dancing. wish me luck...

anyway, the title of this blog is "how sweet this is." God has been giving me so many opportunities to just sit and think, "how sweet this is...."


Wednesday, February 17, 2010

The Adventure Called Life Day is well...

tonight was fantastic. I feel like im becoming more and more aware of God's presence throughout my day. I find myself so busy, but im also able to take a few deep breaths to still hear and listen to God.

Ash Wednesday starts Lent. and I've thought a lot about what i should fast, or take on. I think that I am going to dedicate my lunch hour to God. I am still going to eat, but it is going to be in complete solitude with God. It will hopefully establish my relationship with Him even more. I have decided to still eat because I am so busy and not eating would be detrimental to my health at this time in my life :) service tonight was awesome. our team pulled together and I believe that we glorified God in the process. I certainly felt his presence. Im still praying for patience and peace regarding my singleness. I struggle with it so much. I want to be satisfied in Him and Him alone. it is well with my soul...


Tuesday, February 16, 2010

The Adventure Called LIfe Day 141...better than this...

so tonight was A-mazing! special thanks to Mr. Paul Reif for playing guitar for me at open mic night, but that's not why im so excited :)

Cora Howe has a fantastic voice. period. so so so good! alright, so I sat next to this girl all first semester in choir, i've never heard her string two sentences together, let alone sing a note. So tonight, Paul was helping her with a song, and she opened her mouth and began to sing. and BAM! It literally took my breath away. she sang so beautifully. then i heard God say, "see, I can even use this..." ah! soooo good. i LOVE when that happens. Sometimes I forget that. Sometimes I forget that God is so mighty, so sovereign that he can do ANYTHING. even surprise little old me. so I ask you, what can be better than this?


Monday, February 15, 2010

The Adventure Called Life Day...unconditional love...

is that why people are scared of me? is this why i seem to "miss it"? is this why i desire so much more in a relationship than i should?

unconditional love. that's what im all about. this summer i prayed a very dangerous prayer. I asked God to show me how he sees people, to let me love them how you love them. and it worked! like I said, its a dangerous prayer. I began to see the potential in people, the beautiful futures that God has for them. Its scary, but oh so beautiful at the same time. But its frustrating when it seems that the people you want to have  deep relationship with don't really want anything to do with you. I've never had a "group" of friends. I'm kind of a lone ranger I guess. I don't know why that is, i would like to change it. I want a group of people that I hang out with regularly. But no one seems to want me. its a rather odd paradigm.

i give so much of myself, maybe its time to hold something back.


Sunday, February 14, 2010

The Adventure Called Life Day 140...i exalt thee...

For Thou O Lord art high
Above all the earth
Thou art exalted far above all gods

I exalt Thee
I exalt Thee
I exalt Thee
O Lord

we are doing this song for well spring. and I love this :) so i wanted to share it with you!


Saturday, February 13, 2010

The Adventure Called Life Day 139...wrap me in your arms...

take me to that place Lord
to that secret place where
i can be with you
and you can make me like you

wrap me in your arms
wrap me in your arms
wrap me in your arms

there is a God who loves me

this is my fervent prayer before the Lord. humbly, O Lord I come before your throne, and I ask that you wrap me in your arms, take me away and show me your face, Lord, reveal your power, your might to me. God I want to know you beyond comprehension, I want to be full of YOU. So full that you begin to overflow out of me, that your Spirit would devour my selfish heart and make it new and clean for you and your Glory. O Lord, hear my cry. hear my soul crying out for you. I am thirsty and dry, and you are living water. quench my thirst O Lord. Let me never thirst again for I have drunk of your living water.  I love you, and I give you all the praise and all the glory, forever and ever. In Jesus' name, Amen.

tonight was amazing. im tired. im drained physically, but spiritually I am full, I am full of light. Paul is amazing to work with. gah! He's so in tune with the Holy Spirit, and I just admire his surrender. Its such a blessing and joy and a privilege to work with someone with such a graceful and humble spirit. Marrissa LeClair and Matt Voiles are amazing worshippers. They are totally sold out for God, and its amazing to see how God is working in them. Its such a blessing to me, and it refreshes my soul to hear them speak of His love and mercy. I'm bursting with joy and happiness right now. I am so thankful, O Lord for this time and this place. No words can describe the peace in my heart at this moment.

ps. let it be recorded that God is moving here at SAU. let us never forget his faithfulness and love.

Friday, February 12, 2010

The Adventure Called Life Day 138...priorities...

Today I was not thankful to be awake. I almost talked myself into being lazy and skipping my 9am chem lecture. but I went. good thing i did. We had a book check, now they're only 2 points, but its like free points, so why not go? ugh. well, now im siting Lara's Coffee shop, its located right in Spring Arbor. I took some homework, and headed over for a Caramel Macchiato and some peace and quiet. I have gotten just that. I have managed to take my Video quiz, do the online leadership quiz for Church Leadership and begin memorizing my scripture for Prop Shop. Praise the Lord for productivity! Now all i have left for this weekend is to study for Chemistry and do my Spanish work for monday. I also have to read for leadership, but I can do that on monday night. I do have a leadership assessment to do for Intro to Leadership by friday. I can get that done wednesday. So I'm doing really well on assignments :) awesome. It makes me feel better about going home this weekend! AH! soooo excited!

Tonight we are having a 24 hour prayer and worship service. Please pray that God comes and rains down upon us. And more importantly that we would glorify his Holy name, that he would be exalted, and lifted up. Paul Reif and I are playing for a two hour slot. I am super pumped for that! We also got the "ok" from Dr. Walrath regarding sound equipment! soooo good, and such an answer to prayer! Then afterwards, I get to return the equipment, and then head to Plymouth in the morning.

 I am going to Doug Wright's wedding! Gordon of course invited me, and I'm excited :) I do love weddings, and this one is going to be so special! I did managed to put together a gift! *sigh of relief* I was afraid that I wasn't going to able to do that! but I did remember when I went out last night. I purchased a simple picture frame and a cute card. I am going to write a couple of scripture verses on it, and another in the middle of the photo frame. I think giving picture frames is a way of expressing myself, because I treasure memories, and I also love the sentiment. It says, "I care about you, and your memories." i love it.

so the title of this post is "priorities". big whoop right? wrong! I've been so backwards on my priorities for so long. Of course academics should be near the top of the list, but its been at the very top for so long in my life. Now, there may be nothing wrong with that, but I have left out my quiet time with God. I have been neglecting that. I find that unacceptable. I am also experiencing God literally calling me to "come away," That is why I am doing the devotional I am on thursday. Melanie warned me the song may be hard to "pull off" but I can't shake the idea, I can't run away from it and push it away. I have some idea of what I should do to counter act the "questionable lyrics". here's the verse I'm talking about:

I tried to say
i want to this to work
you take off the weight
if you change your mind
i won't hurt forever
i don't know
what else to do
i do anything to have 3 more hours on a bench with you

ive never heard something that sweet
are you sure you want me?

cause everything within me
doesn't want to risk
doesn't want to rise anymore
than if it means
i get to see the light in your eyes
i'll risk so much more

I understand what Melanie is talking about. But I wonder if this could really work. I know that I have personally done this, I have questioned if God really wants me? me? this broken person. and can i really trust him? I have skewed who God is, and made him to equate a man. I'm sure many women who have been hurt by men do. I'm sure they feel like they can't trust God. But I like the rest of the lyrics. She says, "I don't know what else to do, i'd give anything for 3 more hours on a bench with you" and I feel like that about God. So I'll explain the lyrics before I dance. I also have some scripture to back up my claims :) very important! So I'm doing it, I'm following this desire in my heart, this unyielding, YES that burns deep inside it. So here goes God, guide me, give me the words. you be glorified in this!

gah! im so pumped. God is moving so much in my life right now, its amazing! I don't want to sound conceited. I just want to rejoice in all circumstances. I want to glorify God in everything I do!

Lord, to you be all the glory, honor and praise! let me not reap any benefits from this if only for your Kingdom! I love you, I adore you. Let me life exude your mercy and grace and perfect love! In Jesus' name, Amen.


The Adventure Called Life day 137...busy, busy, busy...

Thursday, February 11, 2010
no time for a blog today. but i did manage to get all my homework done. praise the Lord!
I did see Jonny Pye and the Foolkiller. Its was awesome!
so I'll leave you with this...

when we arrive at Eternity's shore
where death is just a memory
and tears are no more
we'll enter in
as the Wedding Bells ring
you're Bride will come together
and we'll sing


Wednesday, February 10, 2010

The Adventure Called LIfe Day 136...homesick...

so i wouldn't classify my mood as completely homesick, but its pretty close! I miss my family oh so much! I even miss my little brother, now that's quite amazing. LOL...

All kidding aside, I truly believe my family is the best there is. I am so blessed to have a strong support system like it. I am also very close with my grandparents and my aunt and uncle. So at holidays, there is constantly 8 of us, all the time. My favorite memories are of Christmases with all of us together, sitting in the living room, the television off, and talking and laughing for hours and hours. Its amazing to me that after all these years, and all that they have been through, we can sit in a room and actually talk with one another, rather than have to have something like the tv on to be a distraction, or that we're not yelling.

I don't know what exactly triggered this mood today. Maybe its just that I'm looking forward to going home this weekend. I am leaving Saturday morning for a Wedding, then I'm meeting my Mom, Grandma and Aunt Jan in Brighton for dinner and a movie. Sunday is going to be awesome. I'll go to church, then come home and watch the Daytona 500 with my father. I love NASCAR, and I adore my Dad. So this combination is just the best :)

well,  i need to get lunch, memorize some scripture and then take a nap before my 4 o clock class. Paul and I are planning to sit down and work through some music and scripture tonight around 6 for friday's worship gathering. I'm pumped :)



so my roommates are discussing the struggle of being single.

ugh. i simply abhor being single right now. but that is not okay. that is not right. my heart is in the wrong place. im focusing on what i don't have, rather than focusing on what i do have. so let's make  list, of why its so grand to be single...

going to the movies by myself (this is getting lame, but sometimes i still enjoy it)
taking a drive, with the music as loud as i want it
girls night in - every week night (since i do live in a house full of women!)

and that concludes the list. for now. I'm praying that God shows me the beauty of being single. everyday, that he reveals it to me, and that i would learn to be thankful and content for now in my singleness.

I guess I am just struggling with the thoughts like, "Oh, this is such fun, I wish so and so was here, I know it would make them smile." or "This would be so much fun to share with someone special..." ugh.

Show me what it means to be single, and how full my life can be in it. Let me not dwell on what I am missing, rather help me to dwell on what I do have. Father, I thank you for your grace, and that your mercies are new every morning. In Jesus' name,


Tuesday, February 9, 2010

The Adventure Called Life Day 135...fingerprints of God...

i think i've found it. Well, i don't know exactly what song I'm doing, but I do know what the focus of my devotional will be. I want to inspire and remind everyone in the choir that they are wonderfully and beautifully made :) I need that reminder every once and a while. I want to make them feel special and cared for. So, I am making note cards with each person's name on it. Then I am going to write a verse of inspiration on it. I have until next thursday. I can do it! Actually, I don't want to be the one doing it, pray that God will move through this, will show me what verses. I want to do a section a day. Tomorrow I am going to the Soprano Section. Then thursday I will do the Alto section, then Friday, the Basses, then the Tenors on Saturday. I want to get this done, and then pray over the cards :) 

Lord, give me direction, you have dropped this idea in my heart, and i want this to be used for your Glory. I love you. Thank you for continuing to move through me. I love you.
In Jesus' name,


PS i was listening to Stephen Curtis Chapman's "Fingerprints of God" when this idea came into my heart. That is why I titled the blog that way...

Monday, February 8, 2010

The Adventure Called Life day 134...come away with me...

"Come away with me," a still small voice whispers right into my heart, "Come away, come sit with me in my presence."

I've never heard that. Either I'm really spiritually immature, or I just haven't been listening for it. Either way, I was terrified. All that kept running through my mind was, "Me? Lord, are you sure you want me?"

Last night, I think I found what I am going to do for Choir Devos next week. I am going to do "Are you Sure?" By Bethany Dillon, I'm going to do a human video...eep! I haven't danced in over two months. Yet I feel God saying, DO IT. so, I'm going to. I'm going to obey, and answer the call.

so here's to new adventures and new beginnings!



its a virtue
or so im told
its something
that comes in handy
its something 
that puts you in a better mood

im trying to be patient
waiting on someone
it can wear on your spirit
especially when its someone special

you want to give them the world
you want to make the wrongs right
you want to be there for them
even late at night

it doesn't seem fair
you don't even know i care
how can i tell you
when its supposed to be you
you're the one supposed to be chasing
and im not supposed to be wasting
my heart on you 

would you want to know?
would you run away?
if i told you it kills me
to see you look at me that way
to hear you play with your deep soul
to feel you sing with your pure heart

its eating me alive
i wish i didn't have to hide

but patience
its a virtue
or so im told

so patient i'll remain
loving your beautiful soul
from a far 
until you glance
and see right through me


just some more random words and thoughts. this late night writing is swiftly becoming a way for me to process and let my feelings out. its great. Thanks Lord for another beautiful day.


Sunday, February 7, 2010

The Adventure Called Life Day 133...psalm writting...

last night I found myself sitting at the computer yet again at the wee hours of the morning. Everyone else had gone to bed, but me. I'm a night owl, but this is getting ridiculous! I haven't gotten a good night of sleep in little over a week. I am constantly pulled from sleep with a verse or song that has popped into my head. I don't know what is happening to me. I am writing, all the time. Little snippets and verses, mini choruses or just poems. I'm beginning to think I'm writing Psalms. Its weird to claim that or even think that, all I can say is that I've been reading in the Psalms for a month now, and I think that God may be flowing through that and the verses and songs I've written are a product of that. I'm not sure, it is just weird. I usually have a hard time shutting my brain down to go to sleep anyway, but usually I can do it. Last night I had to take a sleeping pill to knock myself out. I NEVER take medication. I just don't like it.

so maybe im writing my own Psalms, verses about my Lord, that are flowing out of my ever thankful heart. I pray that this continues, even though it is scaring me a little. As I wrote a couple of days ago. Its frightening to hear the God of the universe say, "Come away, come and sit in my presence." I look around and ask, "Me? you want me to do that?" I don't know how to describe it. Its one thing to choose to go and sit in God's presence with my own mind. But to be personally invited to do that? ah! its amazing. and scary. It brings me back to the "chisel skit" that was done last semester in chapel. I almost want to ask God, "Okay, so what are you going to get rid of this time?" Instead I should be asking, "How are you going to mold me today O Lord? How can I become more like you?"

Sometimes I feel like I take inventory every morning. I get up and talk with God saying, "Okay, so, do you have my heart? Check. Do you have my mind? Check. Do you have my spirit? Check. Do you have my body? Check. Alright, inventory complete." Seriously, I feel like everyday this needs to be done. And I think that Its amazing that God puts up with me. That he loves me so much. I love Him so very much. I am in awe of His great love, his great power and majesty.


hide away in my heart...

This is the passage that I get to memorize for Prop Shop Worship, Wednesday Feb 17. We have two weeks! eep! 

8 Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
       and your healing will quickly appear;
       then your righteousness will go before you,
       and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.
 9 Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;
       you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.
       "If you do away with the yoke of oppression,
       with the pointing finger and malicious talk,
 10 and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
       and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
       then your light will rise in the darkness,
       and your night will become like the noonday.
 11 The LORD will guide you always;
       he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
       and will strengthen your frame.
       You will be like a well-watered garden,
       like a spring whose waters never fail.

Dearest Lord,
I pray that this scripture is hidden away in the depths of my heart, so that as I speak they radiate out in the words that I speak and in the tone in which I convey them. I lift up my Father, my Mother, my Brother, my Grandparents, Aunt and Uncle to you. I ask that you protect them, hold them in your arms. Give them peace and comfort and rest. Lord, I lift up my friends to you, they are so special to me. I am so thankful for them. I pray for rest, strength and peace as we continue in this spring semester! Satisfy me Lord, let me remain in you always, craving your Love and your goodness above all else. I love you.
In Jesus' name,

I am excited to see what God does this week at River Tree. Also, I'm looking forward to the 24 hour praise and worship room. I think there might be one this weekend :) Its late. I need sleep so I can sing in the morning. Lord, thanks for another beautiful day.


Saturday, February 6, 2010

The Adventure Called Life Day 132...i've got rhythm...

i've got rhythm
i've got sunshine
i've got rhythm
who could ask for anything more?

i was up early this morning for some practice with the Drumline. Then we went to lunch together, which was a riot! Daniel is sooo funny, and Shannon is great to laugh with! Our whole "team" is pretty much amazing!
well, I'm going to miss them this next Saturday :( I'm going home to attend Gordon's older brother's wedding. Doug and Kait are getting married next saturday!

Then we went over to the Women's game. They played IWU. and they WON! so awesome! We didn't expect them to win, but they did very well against IWU shooters. IWU was shooting 3-pointers like they were lay-ups. It was amazing. But the Lady Cougars managed to pull ahead and stay there for the second half. I love playing on the drumline, its so much fun! My hands are usually sore afterwards, but that's just because we only play once a week :) but i wouldn't trade it for anything, its just too. much. fun.

well, now im exhausted, and I think a nap is a good way to remedy that. so, nap time it is :)


Friday, February 5, 2010

passionate heart...

Why have you designed me this way? Why do I feel so deeply, all the time? I just watched a movie about a man with Aspergers, and I cried. here i sit, alone in my room, at my desk of all places, in the dark, watching this film. And I laugh, giggle, gasp and cry like I'm right there. Why do I do that? Why have you designed me this way? Is this normal? Is it normal to be moved to tears at someone's declaration of love or their struggle on film? Is that normal? I'm so emotional. Sometimes I feel like I'm missing something, like I'm missing the puzzle piece that helps everyone else "keep it together" all the time. Well, what if I don't want it? Yes, living this way is full of emotional turmoil, but I feel joy so much fuller, I feel love so much deeper, I feel LIFE so much brighter. Why would I want that to go away? Of course I need to guard my heart, and not take other's words so personally, or right to my heart like i often do. I need to learn to be objective. and continue to allow you to guard my heart. Father, Im ashamed and embarrassed by my brokenness and my inability to keep it together. I don't want to be the girl who cries all the time, but I do want to be real, to be genuine to who I am, the person who have created. Continue to shape me and mould me. I don't want to push you away, I want to depend on you. I want you to be my supply. So Lord, come. Come and live in me fully, not just the areas I want you to, but ALL the areas of my life. I want you there. Without you there, its meaningless. I've prayed this countless times before, but I desire this. truly. The Psalmist says that I cannot hide from your presence, and that you have knit me together in my mother's womb. I am thankful that you desire to know me, even though you created me. I love you.
In Jesus' name,

I get myself in trouble. a lot. I allow my feelings to guide my decisions, I allow my heart to guide me, when I should be taking steps back, and taking a deep breath before diving in. So this is my desire, my fervent prayer, that God will use me to refresh the hearts of those around me, shining through me, because I'm surrendered and open to his Holy Spirit. 

Its kind of scary when you feel the God of the universe whispering, "Come away, come and sit in my presence." Its overwhelming. but here i come Lord. All that I am is yours.


The Adventure Called LIfe Day 131...more of you...

more of you
less of me
im tired of my brokenness
im tired of my ugliness
im tired of my selfishness
im tired of my self doubt

be my portion
be my strength
be my everything
i am tired
refresh me
give opportunities to refresh others
renew me
let my tears not be in vain
i love you
help me truly love you
i don't want these to be just words
I want you
you alone
to be in my life
i don't need anyone else
no one can satisfy
my heart
my soul
the way that you do


I am beginning to wonder if my problems with feelings and my heart are stemming from my immense passion for worship. It just attests to my spiritual immaturity I guess. I am confusing the way I feel when I'm the presence of God, with the way I am supposed to feel all the time. I'm taking anything and everything to heart, right to the bottom, rather than shielding and guarding it. I'm managing to screw up rather royally, what God has intended for good and for growth, and for His Glory. Instead I am damaging myself. ugh. Instead of being in love with God alone, i've become in love with life, and its benefits. I've take him out of everyday things. how did this happen? how did I get so far away?

well, im running. im going back to where God and I were a this summer. no more of this nonsense.
Its the cry of my heart that I will be completely satisfied in him. I want to know him, and his ways so much more than I want to know anything else.

I'm hungry. let me remain this way.

Lord, thank you for this wake up call, thank you for this revelation. I adore you. I exalt you. Give me opportunities to refresh those around me, encourage them. allow me to be satisfied in your service and your Glory. For i am a servant of a servant, the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I love you. Thank you.
in Jesus' Name


PS i would really love to have a praise and worship session with some friends tomorrow. tonight would be good, but I know everyone is busy. let's see what happens :)


have you ever had a moment where you felt young again? I mean completely and utterly small, insignificant, ten years old and oh so naive? That doesn't happen very often to me, now that im all of twenty years of age.

last night, or i guess i should say, this morning was like that. I heard God calling me to go to the Lowell Prayer Chapel. So I went. Once there I argued with God about calling someone, I have just met this person. They are a freshmen, a boy, a seventeen year old boy. Well needless to say I lost. I just couldn't ignore the "Call him" running through my heart anymore. So I did. He came. I shared with him what was on my heart. My parents. but i failed to do what I God has been instilling in me these last couple of years. I lived up to that "ten year old" tantrum I was throwing with God. Gosh, I felt so stupid. so young. so naive. so ashamed.

I failed to tell him how beautifully broken and strong they are. I failed to tell their WHOLE story. Instead I did the pity party dance and let him have the bad. and i didn't praise the Lord and allow him to be glorified in the situation. I doesn't help that I'm wary of this person, that I don't want to get to close to them. He's SEVENTEEN. GAH! why does that matter so much to me? because he's seventeen, he hasn't seen the world, he's got his who people, his own age to hang out with. he doesn't need an old fart like me stealing his fun, or pulling him forward to a place where he'll eventually be in a couple of years. Who am i do that to him? Who am I that he would even give me a second glance? If he really knew me, he'd be running in the other direction anyway. they all do. always.

but chin up, none of that. he's got his own group of friends. He loves his family quite deeply. I can tell he's devoted to the Body of Christ and the ministry of worship. So what if he's an amazing, pure and genuine worship leader?  so what indeed. *sigh*

oh on a side note: I told melanie today that im done having crushes. im done doing that. My last one was terrible. it took months and months for me to dispel the feelings. I can now say that I'm past it, I'm over it. I admire him, but that butterflies are gone. I still care, but I've allowed God to take my heart back. I get in so much trouble when I ask for it back. It doesn't happen all at once, but slowly i get it all back...Being the gentleman he is, he always gives it back, all I have to do is ask. So i've resolved to QUIT asking. plain and simple. no more. no more crushes. and its almost Valentines Da--oh I mean, Single Awareness day. oh joy. Lord, strength. im to be pursued, no pursing. got it.

anyway, so this is for me to tell their story. to get it out as I should have last night.

So Paul, this is what I should have told you, but because i was in a moment of weakness, I failed to do so. please enjoy this. i hope it blesses you.

My father is a warrior. He is an amazing example of a devoted and loving father. He was always at all of my softball games, my band and choir concerts, all the basketball games for my pom performances, all the football games for my pom and marching band performances. He hasn't missed work in 30+ years unless he's been in the hospital. Even then Im not sure. He's unstoppable. I know that having him as a father has made it easier to except the idea of God being my heavenly father. The thing is, he isn't saved. Yet he is such a beautiful person. He may be stubborn, but he has never put himself before his family or his wife. My father is an auto mechanic, and he works on commission. so he works for EVERY penny, no salary to count on. He's a blue collar worker, and im convinced its because of this that I have such a strong work ethic.

Some of my favorite memories of my family are in the hospital. Some might say thats really sad, that may be, but im extremely thankful and blessed to have the memories. some people don't. I've seen my father in such a state to where he can't walk without assistance. I've seen him so frail I wasn't sure if he would make it another hour.

Then I've seem him at the racetrack. Its a beautiful and mysterious thing. I've seen him so giddy its like he's ten again with a new toy. Its unbelievable to see the passion, the fire that burns in him. He loves cars, he can tell you the year, make and model of a car just by glancing at it. he claims its because he was single so long in his twenties. right Dad, riiiight. LOL :)

I just can't help but wonder how God could use that passion, that unstoppable drive he has? *sigh*. I love him so much. I know he loves me, he supports me. Despite of his confusion as to my major, he still is proud of me.

back to the idea that this man is a blue collar worker, living in a state where its below 50 degrees (his hands loose feeling in 50 or below temperature so explain to me how he does his job?) dealing with Lupus, nursing a kidney transplant, and single handedly supporting his family and paying for his daughter's tuition. that's right, no loans yet. Praise the Lord. Most people go on disability when on dialysis, but he never did, either time. When people go on disability, they don't usually come off it. They usually stay, even when they are better. Not my Dad. He just never did it, in his mind, it wasn't even an option. He continued to work, in michigan winter, with numb hands on rusty, snowy cars supporting his family. It blows my mind.

My mother is a hero. She's such a wonderful woman of God. She has this joy and this glow about her that infectious. She's quiet. which is sometimes an oxymoron for quiet people to have an infectious attitude. But maybe its just infectious to me. She's amazing. I don't use the words beautiful or amazing lightly. So if i've ever said it to you, its because I believe it deep down in my heart, all the way to my toes.

She has also gone through her health struggles, but I've never seen her lose her faith in God. She has currently been on dialysis for six years. six years.

O Lord, let us be patient. For you are in control. You are mighty. Show yourself mighty in this situation.

of course there has been some doubt, but who hasn't doubted God? I know I have. I did last night. I was disgusted with myself. how dare I doubt a God who has provided so much for me? How dare I doubt a God who is only working for my good?

My mom also has had her hip replaced and two years ago had quadruple bypass on her heart. She has been through so much, but she never quits. never. She is my spiritual mentor. without her, I would be so lost. she's my best friend. i want to be just like her when i grow up :)

you can imagine that failure is not an option in my life. strength and perseverance are the only two choices when faced with anything. I don't put these standards on to other people. but I sure hold these to myself. its terrible. I know that is unhealthy to have this fear of failure. last week i couldn't even allow Paul to give me a little guitar lesson because I was so afraid of failure. Its embarrassing. i know that's why I struggle with Piano. I make mistakes. I don't tolerate mistakes from myself. I have come so far, but I still have soooo far to go. I feel like last night God was knocking me down a few pegs. I feel like he was causing me to hit rock bottom, so I would have no where else to go. So he sent Paul to me even as a more humbling confidant. Paul is amazing. I mean that. Most people wouldn't have dropped anything for someone they hardly know to run and listen to them blubber about how awful their parents' have it. so thankful.

well i had no idea that i had so much to write. i hope this wasn't as overwhelming as it was for me :)
Im looking forward to getting involved with the 24 hour prayer thing on campus. Gina Long is organizing it. Im super pumped. Maybe God is preparing me for that. I've been praying for something like this on campus since freshmen year. I'm excited to see where God takes us and how he will move.

Thank  you. thank you so much for my parents. thank you for Paul, thank you for Melanie and others who are willing to bear this with me. You are so good. Always remind me of that. You alone are worthy of all the praise and the glory for this. I pray that you have been glorified in this, and that people read between the lines and see your provision and your mercy and grace as I have experience all this years. I am so blessed. I love you. Thanks for another beautiful day.
In Jesus' Name,


Thursday, February 4, 2010

The Adventure Called LIfe Day 130...swimming...

who knew that swimming would be so much fun? Rachel obviously did :) ah, it was great. We went straight to the deep end, and played basketball. Then John Knox, who im assuming is a former swimmer from high school, was there doing laps. Then he joined us and played some basketball, well, we tried. Then Rachel had to go, and then melanie and charlie joined us. Its awkward because they are so close, so I sort of felt like the third i left :) but it was soooo much fun!

so i think that swimming is going to become a regular part of my thursday, thats awesome.


Wednesday, February 3, 2010

The Adventure Called LIfe Day 129...gentlemen, start your engines...

the four most famous words in racing. that's right. it even includes "gentlemen" and im a girl, and im okay with that. imagine that! LOL...

anyway, NASCAR media day tomorrow morning officially kicks off the 2010 NASCAR season and speed weeks at Daytona International Speedway. oh how wonderful it is indeed!! I am so excited!!

this saturday night is the all-star shootout, formerly known as the Budweiser Shootout, its a race for all the drivers who earned a pole position, which means they qualified first by time for a race in the past season. They race for money, no points, just glory. its pure awesomeness...

anyway, I just wanted to get a quick blog up before my contemporary worship ensemble class, then I have dinner with Paul Reif, and then nothing (oh how good it is to write that) maybe a little homework, then off to DEEPER tonight with my roomies. its a great day.


Tuesday, February 2, 2010

The Adventure Called Life Day 128...ocean wide...

here's another song that I wrote recently. its kinda mushy and fluffy. but i like it, especially the stanza that starts off with "you play that guitar like its alive"...enjoy :)

ocean wide
by: carolyn marie
how can I be seeing futures 
when you’re seventeen
a feeling like this is too extreme
what does love, oh really mean
are you too young to feel this way?
let the music take you, c’mon sway
the other girls want you for your play
i just want to you to be okay
you play that guitar like its alive
you sing like the blue ocean wide
your heart is gold, pure and bright
i just want to see it shine
how can i be seeing futures
when you’re seventeen
a feeling like this is too extreme
what does love, oh really mean
its a choice, a resolve, a mystery
a commitment to a journey
two hearts becoming one
this is really mushy
i wish i wasn’t so pushy
i just can’t get you out of my head
out of my heart out of my soul
you play that guitar like its alive
you sing like the blue ocean wide
your heart is gold, pure and bright
i just want to see it shine
how can i be seeing futures
when you’re seventeen
a feeling like this is too extreme

i hope you enjoyed this little glimpse into my life right now. im beginning to think that God is replacing my dancing with words and song writing...its interesting. 


Monday, February 1, 2010

forever desire

forever desire
by: carolyn marie
who are you?
do we know?
do we have it right?
are we even close?
there is so much more
isn’t there?
isn’t there?
we’re missing it
aren’t we?
aren’t we?
i open this heart
this heart of mine
let the beauty, let the change
let it start with me again
stir within me a fire
that never goes out
let it burn for you
and you alone
you are my forever desire
nothing is gonna douse this love
you are what i want
what i crave to become
let the beauty, let the change
let it start with me again
stir within me a fire
that never goes out
let it burn for you
and you alone
you are my forever desire
nothing is gonna douse this love
you are what i want
what i crave to become

and this is just an example of how God is so good. Thanks Lord for the inspiration. can't wait for it to be a new day so I can actually plunk this out on my guitar! so laughing right now. thanks again God. you're amazing. you're my forever desire.
in Jesus' name,


The Adventure Called Life Day 127...any better than this...

can it get any better than this? life as a college student is positively sublime. Yeah, class can be a drag and a bore, but what about those times where you're listening to the professor speaking, and you feel like there should be a marquee scrolling above the blackboard that God writes on, saying, "This one's for Carolyn Marie McCabe - courtesy of Almighty God" its a amazing.

today in Chapel, Tim Dilena, pastor of Revival Tabernacle of Highland Park, Detroit, MI spoke to the students and staff. He spoke to us on one verse of scripture 1 Samuel 26:6. He called it the Alimilech spirit. The person who doesn't do anything or say anything to further the Kingdom.

He reminds me so much of my pastor back home. Pastor Brad is such a man of God, and he always stresses the importance of speaking up and not being silent. I always want to be found faithful. I don't want to keep my mouth shut. I want to speak, and speak the Lord's message to those around me. Hope. Strength. peace. LOVE.

there's an open mic night, maybe I'll do something :)