Saturday, November 14, 2009

The Adventure Called LIfe Day 048

so I pretty much detest myself right now. first off, I'm a complete idiot. I have a crush, okay so its more than a crush on HE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED (okay, if you must know, here's a hint: he plays guitar) and it just is bugging me, I know he knows. He must. Its all I can do not to tell him, its mortifying though. I'm not really making sense...

anyway, tonight my housemates had a dinner. I know they must think I already ate, because no one is inviting me to join. They all went out to take pictures, then returned home to a dinner prepared by Melanie's Mom, call me crazy, but I thought maybe, just maybe, someone would make sure I ate something, or ask them to join them.

WHY DOES NO ONE CARE ABOUT ME THE WAY I WANT THEM TOO? Is it wrong to want someone to care about me like a best friend, a sister of sorts? I don't know what to do anymore. I must just care too deeply, love too deeply, without warrant. Its frustrating. I just want someone to care, to want to get to know everything about me. I want to share my heart with someone tangible.

God isn't tangible. I'm struggling right now in my prayer life. BIG TIME. and its showing. I long for a relationship where someone knows me inside and out. God does. I know he does, and yet he wants to hear it from me. Well, okay. I guess I can do that. Maybe I'll start a journal, maybe of letters to God. Yes, that is what I'll do. then I'll find a book of the bible, that tells me about God,  not about what he has done, but at WHO HE IS. how I long to know who he is. I have always wondered, does God like vanilla or chocolate? How about stuffed crust or not? Oh, and what season is his favorite? Does he even have a favorite season? What does he especially love about all of them? He must have a special thing about everything that he likes the best. I know he loves us each the same, but is there something in each of us that he is particularly attracted to and proud of? I would like to think so...

well, I think I'll go find a really good salad, finish my DB postings, take the COM 102 quiz, and watch the Truman Show because I have to for class and enjoy being ALONE in a house full of six other women.

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