Thursday, November 12, 2009

complex and awkward...that's me :)

Two things come to mind when I think back on our reunion...

nothings changed

I thought maybe, just maybe that the people I spent the summer with were different outside of wellspring, that somehow, being on the team made them react differently...I was wrong. I also thought that maybe after they had time to reflect, they would have changed, or at least had a different outlook on life...wrong again. 

I guess I was the only one who remained changed. I left Wellspring joyous and high on life. I haven't stopped feeling that way. I pray that others on the team were changed by what transpired this summer. I have always been joyful, but this summer really did me in. I was told by heather that people think I'm fake. that I'm too nice, and too happy. People cannot discern if I'm authentic or not. This really hurt. What's the title of this blog again? oh yeah, AUTHENTICITY. nice, real nice. now I'll just go over in the corner and cry, because I wear my heart on my sleeve and everyone secretly thinks I'm fake...

I also found out that I'm pretty complex. Alright, I'm just plain complex. I do things just because I like it. I usually can't tell you why, I just like it. Okay, well the truth is, I didn't want to tell Mitch why I liked driving the "inconvenient" way back to SAU from Wal*Mart. Actually its quite lame. I was proud that I learned a new way, that I remembered that robinson connects to both Spring Arbor Rd and Michigan Avenue, which connects to McCain, which connects to Reynolds rd that again connects to M-60 and SA campus...and its different than the other ways that EVERYONE ELSE takes to and from campus. I usually love convenience, since it is a time saver at its best quality. Taking robinson rd to McCain then to Reynolds Rd to Spring Arbor is INCONVENIENT. and I like it that way. because I discovered it works, and I like taking the back way. I don't like expressways, and it seems lame to take it in this instance...okay this is getting to be really dumb. I'm sorry I mentioned it in the post. I guess the deeper issue is that I discovered it, and I like to take it. It reminds me of home, and reminds me of my family,  which in turn makes me feel connected to my parents, whom I love and miss terribly. I'm sure everyone at school is really sick of hearing it. I know Mitch is, all he hears from me is, my family this, and oh yeah, my family that....

I often wonder how others see me, mostly just out of curiosity. I know that their opinion doesn't matter, that God's is the only one that truly matters. I just wonder if they see past my awkwardness, do they see the complex, dreaming, driven, willing to love deeper than anyone in history, person inside? I have also been told that I love too deeply. How can you love too deeply? Its literally killing me, that Heather brought this up. I feel like I should talk to her again. I know she was trying to help, that she is coming from a place that I've never been. 

I have often wondered why that is, what about me causes men to literally run the other way? What's so wrong with me that no one has taken an interest in me? I have never been told by a guy that they "like" me, or that they are interested in getting to know me better, or anything like that. I feel so naive, and completely at a loss for even attempting to consider how that would feel. I know that God is supposed to be enough...but what about this desire within me that was so desperately to love someone so deeply, so unconditionally, so boldly, that they never doubt how I feel about them, and that they know that they're okay, and a success, no matter how they fail in life. That I LOVE THEM. I want to be that for someone. I don't even want that for myself, I just want the chance to LOVE SOMEONE.

and this is the part where God goes, "Okay, then LOVE ME."



So this is me taking that step. 

Lord, I LOVE YOU. with everything that I am, I LOVE YOU. no matter what I think you should do, or what you do, I LOVE YOU because you are GOD. there is no one like you. You are Lord and I surrender to your will, and your power. To you be all the Glory Honor and Praise, Almighty God. I LOVE YOU. thank you. 
In Jesus' name,

So Its been about a year since I said that prayer. I'm still working on being completely in love with God. Its a daily battle. I still have this burning desire to love a man. It sits there in the back of my heart, and just burns. I've asked God to take it away, I've asked God to put it out, I've surrendered it, thrown it away. And yet it still burns. I pray everyday that God does with that desire what HE wants and I don't do with it what I want. That what he wants will become what I want. 
So if anyone has any advice on these issues, since I have no experience in these kinds of matters, that would be most welcome and most helpful. Thank you.


1 comment:

  1. I think our lives are just a yearning to love God as he loves us, and the great thing (yes, it is great) about it is we never can, so we can always strive.

    You are one of the most real people I've ever met, Carolyn. You are who you are, a beautiful child of God who adores worship, and classic rock. Who loves interacting with people, and loves to do things for people. A person who has the great problem of just over doing. (If you think about it, what an incredible problem to have).

    Remember, this summer was an emotional high. People just don't know what to do once the high is over. Unfortunately, it usually ends like it did.

    I'll be praying for you, and I love you so so much.