Monday, January 11, 2010

the desire for adventure...

I just finished watching 500 days of summer. and now I want to cry. Why is it that we have this expectation that we'll meet that special someone, and then BAM! it will be fate.

I guess I just don't like the idea that to the men in my life right now, i'm not good enough, that I'm not an "adventure" so to speak, when I feel like they never took the chance to really get to know me. For years, I've been told that I "demand" standards from people. I've never posted these "standards" anywhere, so I don't know how people get a hold of them. I just have this standard that they know Jesus, and they are serving him to the best of their ability. Its something I expect out of myself everyday. I also expect quality rather than quantity. I like to see people put effort into the things they do, rather than just doing more in a short length of time. I do know that the Bible talks about this, so I feel a little justified in this feeling. I guess I also demand a respect, an expectation that we can mutually commune as human beings, no matter what our view points, or our desires or our beliefs. I believe that all people are objects of God's desire.

maybe I'm being too emotional, too critical, but right now, most of me doesn't care. I'm struggling with the whole "life isn't fair" concept at the moment. I just want to be told I'm okay. I know I'm okay, but its different when it comes from another  human being. There's this bond that happens, this moment of community that is embodied in that instance.

patience. I still have no patience when it comes to waiting for "Mr. Right" to come waltzing into my life and ask me out on a date. The waiting is KILLING ME. am I that uninteresting? am I that ugly? am I that weird that no man on campus is willing to take me out on a date? or just HANG OUT here? Oi. I'm such a proactive person, that I have literally had to bite my tongue to stop myself from asking men on dates. Its awful! I love to entertain and have people over to the house, but it rarely works out. I don't like to call people just randomly. But maybe I have to learn to do that. I do not have texting and it SUCKS. I feel completely out of the loop, and I fear rejection. I fear that this small tiny light of hope that I cling to is going to be blown out and never re-lit. ugh. I AM pathetic. great, just great. I'm sure this post is probably really entertaining to read, watching me talk myself in circles. LOL...

well, thats about it. I could keep going, but its pretty much just the same stuff. I just feel uninteresting, and boring. I long to be pursued, to be sought after. that would be nice :)

but remember that love is the absence of expectations...


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