Sunday, January 10, 2010

The Adventure Called Life Day 105...courage...let me

I'm watching 500 days of Summer. depressing so far. LAME.

anyway. I got up the courage to suggest a "prayer time" for our ministry team at River Tree. so I'm excited for that. Friday 3:30 in the Lowell Prayer Chapel. yay.

now I think that I might puke. I would give ANYTHING for a man to look at me that way. AHHHHH!!!!
Is it too much to ask for? To be known, I mean to want to know what I dream of, to accept the fact that I cry at Disney movies? To want someone to desire my company in that way? UGH. now im becoming cynical. not good. Thank you Bryan Dennis.

I am blessed. so so so blessed. I have great friends. Marc Anderson, you're amazing. Marc called as I was watching said movie, and I was like, THANK YOU LORD!!! such a great thing. So off to Applebee's we went. Katie Gilbertson came as well, and my fellow teammate, Liz!!! YAY :) I'm super excited for this summer. so exciting to be with a group of passionate, creative, selfless people. awesome.

well, back to this whole BOY thing. Why do I do this to myself? What do I think something will come of my caring. Is this what this is? Is this what caring feels like? You know that feeling where you can't get a deep breath, you feel on the brink of tears, and your heart feels like its being put through a shredder? yup. that's me. and yet, I'm thankful.

I'm thankful that I care this much. It may hurt, it may suck, but this is a gift. I care because God cares. I can see God reaching out for this person, and it kills me to see them brush it aside. I want so bad to look him in the eyes and tell him simply, "I care, let me in. Let me bear this with you,"

Its completely idiotic. We're not "best friends". Sometimes I wonder if we're even friends. Who am I that he would choose to let me close to him? Who's to say that I won't hurt him. I know I wont. But he doesn't know that. All he knows is I'm this GREEN, PATHETIC, UNWANTED, UNKISSED, UNDATED girl.

is it ever going to happen? or am I going to "date" Jesus forever? Is that supposed to be enough?
Not so sound concieted, but I'm pretty awesome. I love pretty quirky things, but I love PEOPLE. I love to get to know people, hanging out, talking, laughing, playing silly board games, video games, jamming with guitars, I also adore my family. They are THE WORLD to me. I haven't talked to my Mom all week, and its killing me.

I can't promise I won't hurt Him if he did let me in. But He's worth more than that. He's so worth more than i could ever give him. I guess I'm just being selfish, wanting to be a part of someone else's life, getting to share in their journey. He's so wonderful. He's a complex, compassionate, passionate, creative, stubborn, silly, sexy because he loves Jesus and looks good in a button down and jeans, man. I can see how bitter he is towards relationships. He may be "kidding" but it pains me to see him act that way. I feel like I missed out. Maybe he's still hung up on someone else. That would explain the "at arms length" syndrome. Someone as attractive as he is would have no problem getting dates. Heck, I'd go now if he asked :) But since that has never happened to me, I highly doubt its going to now and come from him.

I don't want to sound whiny, but I never get the guy. NEVER. I like someone, and they RUN in the other direction. I guess its a good sign that he still allows me to be on the worship team, that is if he knows I have a serious crush on him. Part of me says that I shouldn't like him. That he's not what I'm looking for. Then something inside me says, NO. He's great. A little young, but wonderful. I guess I would just like to be "accepted" by him. If just as good friends, that would be wonderful. He's just so mysterious, and surprises me a lot. it makes me want to scream. a lot.

I want to tell him so much. I think I've resolved that after second semester, if nothing has happened to reveal my feelings, then I will write him a letter, and give it to him when we leave campus for the summer. I might even be able to conjure up the courage to say it to his face. That would be great. Maybe write my feelings down, then read them to him? no that's lame. I guess maybe I should as a guy how to approach this. I would find that sweet. That the boy had to "write out" his feelings, but he still had the courage to say them to me in person. well, I'll see him during training week again, but that will be three weeks after. I pray that he "sees the light" as Ron so nicely put it.

That's another thing, I'm meeting with Ron tomorrow. I'm a little nervous for this. I like to talk, but things like this make me feel so stupid. I feel like feeling this way makes me extremely pathetic and weak.

I'm writing a song/poem about it. here's the lyrics so far...

Let me

you don't want to know
how i've cried so
how i've tried
letting go
but im sure you know
you have to see
what it is that you do to me

I'm afraid to even meet your eyes
afraid my heart's spilling into view
who am i?
that you would care?
that you would desire
to know me

im not talking simple things
like favorite color or favorite sport
dreams, fears, struggles,
things I don't tell even
my closest friends

is it too much to ask
to be gifted a chance
a window to shine through
into your life
into your heart

I see how you frown
even in your smiles
i see the sorrow
even in your laughter
why won't you let me
let me in

you don't want to know
how i've cried so
how i've tried
letting go
but you have to know
you have to see
what it is that you do to me

you say you aren't wanted
you say that you aren't desired
you want someone to share
someone to trust and care

Let me

So that's pretty much what I have so far. Its a little rough. But its going somewhere. anyway, I just want to say again, I appreciate all of you reading this stuff. Its mushy, its complicated, dirty and unrefined. Its me. thank you.

carolyn marie

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