have you ever had a moment where you felt young again? I mean completely and utterly small, insignificant, ten years old and oh so naive? That doesn't happen very often to me, now that im all of twenty years of age.
last night, or i guess i should say, this morning was like that. I heard God calling me to go to the Lowell Prayer Chapel. So I went. Once there I argued with God about calling someone, I have just met this person. They are a freshmen, a boy, a seventeen year old boy. Well needless to say I lost. I just couldn't ignore the "Call him" running through my heart anymore. So I did. He came. I shared with him what was on my heart. My parents. but i failed to do what I God has been instilling in me these last couple of years. I lived up to that "ten year old" tantrum I was throwing with God. Gosh, I felt so stupid. so young. so naive. so ashamed.
I failed to tell him how beautifully broken and strong they are. I failed to tell their WHOLE story. Instead I did the pity party dance and let him have the bad. and i didn't praise the Lord and allow him to be glorified in the situation. I doesn't help that I'm wary of this person, that I don't want to get to close to them. He's SEVENTEEN. GAH! why does that matter so much to me? because he's seventeen, he hasn't seen the world, he's got his who people, his own age to hang out with. he doesn't need an old fart like me stealing his fun, or pulling him forward to a place where he'll eventually be in a couple of years. Who am i do that to him? Who am I that he would even give me a second glance? If he really knew me, he'd be running in the other direction anyway. they all do. always.
but chin up, none of that. he's got his own group of friends. He loves his family quite deeply. I can tell he's devoted to the Body of Christ and the ministry of worship. So what if he's an amazing, pure and genuine worship leader? so what indeed. *sigh*
oh on a side note: I told melanie today that im done having crushes. im done doing that. My last one was terrible. it took months and months for me to dispel the feelings. I can now say that I'm past it, I'm over it. I admire him, but that butterflies are gone. I still care, but I've allowed God to take my heart back. I get in so much trouble when I ask for it back. It doesn't happen all at once, but slowly i get it all back...Being the gentleman he is, he always gives it back, all I have to do is ask. So i've resolved to QUIT asking. plain and simple. no more. no more crushes. and its almost Valentines Da--oh I mean, Single Awareness day. oh joy. Lord, strength. im to be pursued, no pursing. got it.
anyway, so this is for me to tell their story. to get it out as I should have last night.
So Paul, this is what I should have told you, but because i was in a moment of weakness, I failed to do so. please enjoy this. i hope it blesses you.
My father is a warrior. He is an amazing example of a devoted and loving father. He was always at all of my softball games, my band and choir concerts, all the basketball games for my pom performances, all the football games for my pom and marching band performances. He hasn't missed work in 30+ years unless he's been in the hospital. Even then Im not sure. He's unstoppable. I know that having him as a father has made it easier to except the idea of God being my heavenly father. The thing is, he isn't saved. Yet he is such a beautiful person. He may be stubborn, but he has never put himself before his family or his wife. My father is an auto mechanic, and he works on commission. so he works for EVERY penny, no salary to count on. He's a blue collar worker, and im convinced its because of this that I have such a strong work ethic.
Some of my favorite memories of my family are in the hospital. Some might say thats really sad, that may be, but im extremely thankful and blessed to have the memories. some people don't. I've seen my father in such a state to where he can't walk without assistance. I've seen him so frail I wasn't sure if he would make it another hour.
Then I've seem him at the racetrack. Its a beautiful and mysterious thing. I've seen him so giddy its like he's ten again with a new toy. Its unbelievable to see the passion, the fire that burns in him. He loves cars, he can tell you the year, make and model of a car just by glancing at it. he claims its because he was single so long in his twenties. right Dad, riiiight. LOL :)
I just can't help but wonder how God could use that passion, that unstoppable drive he has? *sigh*. I love him so much. I know he loves me, he supports me. Despite of his confusion as to my major, he still is proud of me.
back to the idea that this man is a blue collar worker, living in a state where its below 50 degrees (his hands loose feeling in 50 or below temperature so explain to me how he does his job?) dealing with Lupus, nursing a kidney transplant, and single handedly supporting his family and paying for his daughter's tuition. that's right, no loans yet. Praise the Lord. Most people go on disability when on dialysis, but he never did, either time. When people go on disability, they don't usually come off it. They usually stay, even when they are better. Not my Dad. He just never did it, in his mind, it wasn't even an option. He continued to work, in michigan winter, with numb hands on rusty, snowy cars supporting his family. It blows my mind.
My mother is a hero. She's such a wonderful woman of God. She has this joy and this glow about her that infectious. She's quiet. which is sometimes an oxymoron for quiet people to have an infectious attitude. But maybe its just infectious to me. She's amazing. I don't use the words beautiful or amazing lightly. So if i've ever said it to you, its because I believe it deep down in my heart, all the way to my toes.
She has also gone through her health struggles, but I've never seen her lose her faith in God. She has currently been on dialysis for six years. six years.
O Lord, let us be patient. For you are in control. You are mighty. Show yourself mighty in this situation.
of course there has been some doubt, but who hasn't doubted God? I know I have. I did last night. I was disgusted with myself. how dare I doubt a God who has provided so much for me? How dare I doubt a God who is only working for my good?
My mom also has had her hip replaced and two years ago had quadruple bypass on her heart. She has been through so much, but she never quits. never. She is my spiritual mentor. without her, I would be so lost. she's my best friend. i want to be just like her when i grow up :)
you can imagine that failure is not an option in my life. strength and perseverance are the only two choices when faced with anything. I don't put these standards on to other people. but I sure hold these to myself. its terrible. I know that is unhealthy to have this fear of failure. last week i couldn't even allow Paul to give me a little guitar lesson because I was so afraid of failure. Its embarrassing. i know that's why I struggle with Piano. I make mistakes. I don't tolerate mistakes from myself. I have come so far, but I still have soooo far to go. I feel like last night God was knocking me down a few pegs. I feel like he was causing me to hit rock bottom, so I would have no where else to go. So he sent Paul to me even as a more humbling confidant. Paul is amazing. I mean that. Most people wouldn't have dropped anything for someone they hardly know to run and listen to them blubber about how awful their parents' have it. so thankful.
well i had no idea that i had so much to write. i hope this wasn't as overwhelming as it was for me :)
Im looking forward to getting involved with the 24 hour prayer thing on campus. Gina Long is organizing it. Im super pumped. Maybe God is preparing me for that. I've been praying for something like this on campus since freshmen year. I'm excited to see where God takes us and how he will move.
Thank you. thank you so much for my parents. thank you for Paul, thank you for Melanie and others who are willing to bear this with me. You are so good. Always remind me of that. You alone are worthy of all the praise and the glory for this. I pray that you have been glorified in this, and that people read between the lines and see your provision and your mercy and grace as I have experience all this years. I am so blessed. I love you. Thanks for another beautiful day.
In Jesus' Name,