Sunday, February 21, 2010


im beginning to think im crazy. im beginning to think ive gone quite mad.
i don't have any other way to describe it, except as an intense longing and desire.

it scares me to desire someone that way. it kills me when i can't formulate a grade school sentence around this person. its incredibly awkward and tense. at least it is for me. im sure he just thinks im silly. i thought i was over this! i thought i was past this stupid, stupid, stupid feeling. ugh. grrr. double grrr.

so is it wrong? this intense desire, this longing that is eating away at me? its almost unbearable. i don't even know exactly what i'm longing for. i just know that im being consumed by it. its all i think about. that's not right, i do know that.

can i overcome this? can I somehow be okay alone? can i? *sob* i don't want to be ALONE! GOD! WHY? WHY does ANYONE want me? What is so wrong with me that not even ONE GUY on this campus has the inkling to ask me out...GOD! can you hear me! I am so upset. i am so ugly. Why hasn't anyone ever asked me out on a date? am i ugly? what is it? WHAT IS IT? *sob* I just don't understand. I just don't understand why this is the way it is. What am supposed to learn from this loneliness, when all my heart does is ache for companionship? Lord, come, take over. I can't do this anymore. I can't feel like this anymore. I'm trying to be thankful that I can feel, but I know that you want full reign of my heart. so here it is. take it. keep it safe. i love. i love so much, so deeply, it hurts, and its scary. Will SOMEONE EVER LOVE ME AS DEEPLY AS I LOVE THEM?

<3 cm

1 comment:

  1. Are you really giving your heart to God right now? Really? I challenge you to think about that. I challenge you to long for Jesus instead of an imperfect sinful male.