Friday, February 5, 2010

passionate heart...

Why have you designed me this way? Why do I feel so deeply, all the time? I just watched a movie about a man with Aspergers, and I cried. here i sit, alone in my room, at my desk of all places, in the dark, watching this film. And I laugh, giggle, gasp and cry like I'm right there. Why do I do that? Why have you designed me this way? Is this normal? Is it normal to be moved to tears at someone's declaration of love or their struggle on film? Is that normal? I'm so emotional. Sometimes I feel like I'm missing something, like I'm missing the puzzle piece that helps everyone else "keep it together" all the time. Well, what if I don't want it? Yes, living this way is full of emotional turmoil, but I feel joy so much fuller, I feel love so much deeper, I feel LIFE so much brighter. Why would I want that to go away? Of course I need to guard my heart, and not take other's words so personally, or right to my heart like i often do. I need to learn to be objective. and continue to allow you to guard my heart. Father, Im ashamed and embarrassed by my brokenness and my inability to keep it together. I don't want to be the girl who cries all the time, but I do want to be real, to be genuine to who I am, the person who have created. Continue to shape me and mould me. I don't want to push you away, I want to depend on you. I want you to be my supply. So Lord, come. Come and live in me fully, not just the areas I want you to, but ALL the areas of my life. I want you there. Without you there, its meaningless. I've prayed this countless times before, but I desire this. truly. The Psalmist says that I cannot hide from your presence, and that you have knit me together in my mother's womb. I am thankful that you desire to know me, even though you created me. I love you.
In Jesus' name,

I get myself in trouble. a lot. I allow my feelings to guide my decisions, I allow my heart to guide me, when I should be taking steps back, and taking a deep breath before diving in. So this is my desire, my fervent prayer, that God will use me to refresh the hearts of those around me, shining through me, because I'm surrendered and open to his Holy Spirit. 

Its kind of scary when you feel the God of the universe whispering, "Come away, come and sit in my presence." Its overwhelming. but here i come Lord. All that I am is yours.


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