have you ever felt like you wanted to hit the panic button at the most terrible moment?
ah. well, tonight was one of those moments.
panic mode set in on me. I volunteered my time for the Awaken 24 at 2am until 4am. Paul Reif agreed to play, which was great. But we didn't rehearse, talk, NOTHING. I'm not sure if that's a good idea. I understand "winging it" is half the fun, but what about being excellent? I don't know if i'm stuck on this for a particular reason, but tonight after he turned down multiple songs in a row, i panicked. ugh. then i couldn't find the key to a hymn we were going to play. it was embarrassing. im sure no one noticed. and im pretty sure God didn't mind. But i felt awful about it. I felt like I wasn't being excellent. at all. I feel like I need to sit down with Paul, but I'm sure he would just brush me off and not take me seriously. he never does. ugh. i hate this.
i was doing so well. I got over Mitch, and now for some stupid reason im stuck on Paul. great. just great. the kid has too many girlfriends to count and he's seventeen to boot. he would never be interested in an old lame junior like me. I'm not even that talented. I suck at keys, and I panic and get frustrated at "winging it". ugh.
help. take this away. i don't want this anymore. I am done. please make it stop. I grab a hold of you again, I return. I want to be used by you for your Glory alone.
In Jesus' Name
also, who am I to expect that someone like Paul would be interested in me. I'm just some other girl in his life, he's got plenty of those. I guess I just want to be THE girl in someone's life. is there really any harm in that? geez. I guess I'll just have to keep praying for patience. and keep giving my heart back to God. For some reason I really like controlling that part of myself. ugh.