longing...

im beginning to think im crazy. im beginning to think ive gone quite mad.
i don't have any other way to describe it, except as an intense longing and desire.

it scares me to desire someone that way. it kills me when i can't formulate a grade school sentence around this person. its incredibly awkward and tense. at least it is for me. im sure he just thinks im silly. i thought i was over this! i thought i was past this stupid, stupid, stupid feeling. ugh. grrr. double grrr.

so is it wrong? this intense desire, this longing that is eating away at me? its almost unbearable. i don't even know exactly what i'm longing for. i just know that im being consumed by it. its all i think about. that's not right, i do know that.

can i overcome this? can I somehow be okay alone? can i? *sob* i don't want to be ALONE! GOD! WHY? WHY does ANYONE want me? What is so wrong with me that not even ONE GUY on this campus has the inkling to ask me out...GOD! can you hear me! I am so upset. i am so ugly. Why hasn't anyone ever asked me out on a date? am i ugly? what is it? WHAT IS IT? *sob* I just don't understand. I just don't understand why this is the way it is. What am supposed to learn from this loneliness, when all my heart does is ache for companionship? Lord, come, take over. I can't do this anymore. I can't feel like this anymore. I'm trying to be thankful that I can feel, but I know that you want full reign of my heart. so here it is. take it. keep it safe. i love. i love so much, so deeply, it hurts, and its scary. Will SOMEONE EVER LOVE ME AS DEEPLY AS I LOVE THEM?

<3 cm

The Adventure Called LIfe Day 106...the absence of expectation...

 What is the absence of expectation?

Love.

WHOA.

yeah, completely rocked my world.

Do I truly love that way? Am I capable of that?

I don't know. Hearing this almost took away my crush on you know who. almost.

its made me search my heart, take a step back, and let go for a while. I ran into him today, and could barely talk, but I managed to ask how his class was, and offer him a ride since my car was parked in the church. He turned me down since he had to go to Student Development. ugh. oh well. and of course, not courage on my part to go invade their little "weight lifting" session in the gym. I'm sure they would all be nice if I approached them, but I'm sweaty, bright pink and exhausted. hmmm. so tomorrow I'll get another chance. I will say HI. at least. its friendly, not creepy, right? yes. friendly.

anyway,back to this whole idea that LOVE is the absence of expectation thing...uh... I honestly don't know what to say. I know that I messed up this summer. I went into the team expecting things to happen a certain way. I thought being on a ministry team we would have all been on the same page. WRONG. and the cool thing is, THATS OKAY! yes, we are all different, and yes, we tolerated each other. definitely. but I think I could have let go more, understood more than wanting to be understood. As a follower of Christ, who is a servant, so that makes me a servant of a servant, so that basically means, I HAVE NO RIGHTS. k. and no right to have any expectations, or to be understood.

well anyway, I guess this just means I need time, I need to process, and allow myself to breathe. I'm watching the Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers. I will most likely watch The Return of the King next. I love this trilogy. well, that's all i have for today. I just wanted to get some thoughts down to begin to process.

back to Aragorn and Legolas and Gimly :)

cm

something better...

so it happened again. a word, a "phrase" from God popped into my heart.

"there's something better,"

driving tonight to return our pop can collection and purchase some pretty twinkling christmas lights, my thoughts drifted to last sunday. MItchell was singing the song, "I'll Pour My Love On You." and the band remained in their seats. I found myself listening, just soaking in the words that Mitchell was singing. then the phrase, "There's something better," popped into my heart. This has happened before. I have received words from God to give to other people, the most recent has been two words to Britta. I'm not even sure if she knew that they were words that I had received.

so tonight I came to the realization that GOD is the "something better" than what I've been doing with my time, energy and my heart. I've been pushing myself in all sorts of directions, letting myself get torn here and there, not allowing God to be my rock. So the "something better" just happens to be putting my energy and love into God himself. how beautiful and refreshing is that. Its incredibly hard to love something so big, and yet its the most beautiful, awful, joyful, peaceful feeling in my entire existence. No one ever told me that love felt easy. Sometimes it rips you apart, and sometimes it puts you back together. This time its putting me back together while stripping away the unneeded stress and energy in my life.

anyway. So the word isn't just for me. Its for someone else as well. I've prayed about it, and meditated on it, waiting for the peace to come about this other person, and NOTHING. so tomorrow I'm going to tell him. That's it, that's what I have to do. I don't know why or how, but "There is something better" for them as well.

well its 1 am, and I have to be up at 7:30 for church. YAY :) i love going to River Tree. so cool. such a blessing! see you on the flipside

cm

ps...this is my theme song for the week, enjoy :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bMQov8EIdt4

finding the words...

how do you tell someone you like them? theoretically its quite simple, you just say, "I like you," but practically that is another story.

im not sure if this is the right time either. i am so afraid of being rejected, i have literally torn myself in two. my heart says, "Go for it!" but my head screams, "no! its going to hurt!"

well love hurts. and love stinks. or so the song says.

so do i take the chance? do i tell him how i feel? do i put our friendship at risk? we work together. we're in the same major, we have classes together...what do i do?

O Lord, give me the words. help me to know what to say and when to say it. help me to speak truthfully. help me to be gracious and compassionate. Lord, do I tell me? help me to know what to do. i need your guidance. you alone are God, I am not. I cannot do this on my own. you are my strength and my rock. if i am rejected I will not fall, because my strength and my assurance comes from you.
in Jesus' name,
Amen.

so if you can offer your advice, please do. I just don't know what to do. we have break coming up and I would love to tell him before that so if he does reject me i can have a few days to get over it :)
thanks.

cm

The Adventure Called Life Day 053...coming alive...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YAROQF_vQXs

i see a banner of love
lifted over our heads
its waving in the sky
and its stained in red

from the far away hills
comes a voice in the night
its ringing in our hearts
like a battle cry

now we're coming alive
we're coming alive
open your heart
take whats inside
and let it go

we're speaking out for a change
but words are never enough
we could be the hands and feet of love

now we're coming alive
yeah we're coming alive
open your heart
takes what's inside
and let it go

wake up from your sleeping
there's something to believe in
the only way to love is to give yourself
give yourself

now we're coming alive
we're coming alive
open your heart
take what's inside
and let it go

COMING ALIVE - Phil Wickham - Heaven and Earth

this is a new song from my favorite worship leader, Phil Wickham. I classify him as a worship leader because his concerts are not a show. they are an opportunity to draw closer to God and experience God on a deeper level. He presents the Truth unashamedly. I am thankful for his talent, and that he has chosen to give it back to God to be used to bring Him glory. Its beautiful. Its something I strive for daily. I want everything that I am to be surrendered and given back to God to be used by Him. I long to be completely surrendered, that I no longer worry about my own comfort, my own selfish desired. I am a servant to the King, and I will serve him with everything that I am.

Jake spoke last night about Unity. He also talked about how God loves us JUST AS WE ARE. and that we are exactly who we are supposed to be. There are days where I hate everything about myself. and still God loves me. He claims to be quite fond of us. Even in our faults. Think about it, if we didn't have faults, would we need God? How would he shine through us? If we were perfect, how would God's desire to be in relationship with us be satisfied? Think about it, your relationships with people are not perfect. Often times that is what makes them the most beautiful. I know in my life that my closest relationships are often the messiest and difficult. We know everything about each other, strengths, weaknesses, imperfections, the whole deal. In that, we are able to lift the other up in areas where we are not the strongest, making us stronger together than we are apart. Its a thing of beauty.

Lord,
so we're coming alive, opening our hearts, taking what's inside and letting it go, because Lord, what you have for us is so much more, so much sweeter, so much bigger than we can ever imagine. Thank you.
in Jesus' name,
Amen

cm

The Adventure Called LIfe Day 048

so I pretty much detest myself right now. first off, I'm a complete idiot. I have a crush, okay so its more than a crush on HE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED (okay, if you must know, here's a hint: he plays guitar) and it just is bugging me, I know he knows. He must. Its all I can do not to tell him, its mortifying though. I'm not really making sense...

anyway, tonight my housemates had a dinner. I know they must think I already ate, because no one is inviting me to join. They all went out to take pictures, then returned home to a dinner prepared by Melanie's Mom, call me crazy, but I thought maybe, just maybe, someone would make sure I ate something, or ask them to join them.

WHY DOES NO ONE CARE ABOUT ME THE WAY I WANT THEM TOO? Is it wrong to want someone to care about me like a best friend, a sister of sorts? I don't know what to do anymore. I must just care too deeply, love too deeply, without warrant. Its frustrating. I just want someone to care, to want to get to know everything about me. I want to share my heart with someone tangible.

God isn't tangible. I'm struggling right now in my prayer life. BIG TIME. and its showing. I long for a relationship where someone knows me inside and out. God does. I know he does, and yet he wants to hear it from me. Well, okay. I guess I can do that. Maybe I'll start a journal, maybe of letters to God. Yes, that is what I'll do. then I'll find a book of the bible, that tells me about God,  not about what he has done, but at WHO HE IS. how I long to know who he is. I have always wondered, does God like vanilla or chocolate? How about stuffed crust or not? Oh, and what season is his favorite? Does he even have a favorite season? What does he especially love about all of them? He must have a special thing about everything that he likes the best. I know he loves us each the same, but is there something in each of us that he is particularly attracted to and proud of? I would like to think so...

well, I think I'll go find a really good salad, finish my DB postings, take the COM 102 quiz, and watch the Truman Show because I have to for class and enjoy being ALONE in a house full of six other women.
cm

The Adventure Called Life Day 040

today I got to talk to my best friend. Gordon Wright is currently in Texas at an Honor Academy. He is getting college credits, but growing and serving in the Lord! It is so exciting to hear all the stuff that has been happening in his life. I did feel as if our friendship might have ended, or at least changed a lot. I know that we have changed, but it seems we are both willing to work maintain our friendship. that is very exciting.

so i've been thinking a lot about what Ron keeps pushing about relationships. how there isn't that ONE PERSON we all dream about. WE are that one person. We are supposed to work and strive to be the person God has created us to be. otherwise, how can we expect our spouse to do the same? It seems I've been looking for love in all the wrong places (great song by the way) so I need to cool it, chill out and start working to be the woman I am meant to be. I can at least be proactive about that. this is exciting.

cm

The Adventure Called Life day 028

so i've decided to take a look at what God has been doing in my life through these last 28 days. We've almost hit the one month mark of continuous blogging...

God has provided friendships, and the healing of one in particular (with Britta)

God has provided food, shelter, and clothing for me.

God has provided family and love that makes my heart burst with joy

God has provided opportunity to minister to those around me. I have been talking a lot with Eric. He is so hungry for God right now, its breathtaking. It has served as a reminder to me to long after God that way as a well.

God has provided a relationship of ministry between Mitch and me. I feel like I am able to pour out at River Tree what is bring poured into me through out the week. I leave there overflowing with joy, peace and love every sunday. I go with the intention of pouring out, but instead I get poured into again. God is good.

God has provided a job, as choir secretary and librarian and I am able to make a little money, and also help out the Choral department. I am also able to spend countless hours in the music building with my "family" as it is affectionately called here at the arbor.

so the list could go on and on and on, but I just wanted to reflect and think about some of the things that God has done. I am about to embark on my first online class. I am a little nervous, but I think with a little patience and some hard work I can manage to get everything done.

cm

The Adventure Called Life day 026

13 hours

that's how long I slept last night! i did not roll out of bed until 11 am this morning!

so i hurried up and got ready to go to the store with Mom for grocery shopping. We went out to lunch, then made a trip to Wal*Mart.

After that we sat on the couch and watched General Hospital. My mom loves that show. Then I wrote an article for the Pulse. Its about the partnership between Wuhan University of Technology in CHINA and Spring Arbor University. It was fun to write since I have been a part of that partnership too. I took my cross cultural to China in May and got meet my pen pal at WUT in may too. It was a blast!

now its time for SENIOR NIGHT at hartland high. My brother graduates this year. Im so proud of him. GO EAGLES!

cm

The Adventure Called Life day 019

focus.

that seems to be the word of the semester. I really need to focus. I only have three an a half semesters left at SAU. WOW. o.0 that pretty much makes me speechless to think about. How can that be? I only just started. I'm beginning to feel like I did in High School. I can remember looking forward to my senior year with such anticipation and excitement. Now I am sort of dreading it. I'm not ready. So not ready to be out in the real world. I guess I sort of am today. The real world isn't forgiving, and being here at SAU, living from pay check to pay check, and feeling overwhelmed with friends and everything else...

i have been wasting time looking at pianos on craigslist. I wonder if my parents would be willing to buy a $150.00 piano for Christmas. I WOULD LOVE IT! I would be able to play whenever I came home...I might not want to return to school! LOL...

there is just something about having your own piano, being able to say that why yes, I do have one at home just feels amazing! Maybe I should wait until I graduate, but I've been surfing the ads they look good. I would love to have one at home....we'll see what happens with that.

music lab is next. it looks like the line-up of players is going to be awesome! Eric opens and then almost closes. I've put off homework, yet again, but I know that its just due to not wanting to focus. my brain is tired. I know Junior year was my hardest academically in High School, and it looks like my college career wanted to one-up that :) my online class starts next week. YIKES! no life is coming...great!

Eric has practice during fall break. ugh. i can't believe it. im tempted to not go home. I want to go home. I want to enjoy my weekend, WITH Eric. It just seems I need to be more patient. lovely. oh well. I guess I'll just be a spinster after all! just kidding...LOL it is just so frustrating! maybe this is God's way of making sure i focus.

oh yeah.

focus.

that is truly the thing that needs to permeate my life. Eric has it together when it comes to focusing on school, music and even friends. Its time I did too.

cm

good morning

God,

help me see the world around me as you do. grant me patience for those that frustrate and exasperate me. Help me to remember that I love you because you first loved me. God I want to serve you with all that I am. Block out all the noise of this world, let me hear your voice, for it is like sweet music to my soul. Soothe my spirit, help it to rise and fly. You alone are worthy of all my praise and all my efforts. God, come with me, be there as I walk, talk, sing, write, type, dance, and run my way through another day. thank you for your sacrifice. I love you.

your daughter

cm

can you see me?

can you see me?
i mean the real me
the person i am created to be
the woman God fashioned
to be a worshipper and love
can you see me?
through all the mistakes
through all the faults
can you see me?
the strength
the will to fight
the heart that longs to love
the soul that cries for justice
the mind that sees music
more than notes on a page
can you see me?
i hope you cannot
for he is the creator
of all things is he
he fashioned me from nothing
place inside me a choice of will
to decide to serve
or to be served
can you see me?
a worshipper of the Lord Almighty
the Alpha and Omega
the beginning and End
the author and finisher of faith
do you see God in me?